The Karaoke Social Contract (12 Principles)



1.  All people are entitled to sing a song once in a while.

2.  In a public social atmosphere, all people are obligated to be aware of their surroundings.

3.  If the karaoke is a free service provided in a bar, you are obligated to get a drink if you want to participate in the free service.

4.  Time is finite and songs take up time. If you don't get to sing a song because of the queue being particularly long, the proper attitude is, "Well hey, at least I'm still not involved in a civil war in Central Africa."

Avengers Texting 2.0. (also X-Men, Watchmen, Batpeople, etc.)

Dazzler texts at ComicCon 2015.

Due to no popular demand whatsoever, here is a Best-Of from my Instagram series about cosplayers texting (with CONSENT!), tindering, and otherwise messing with their phones. From WonderCon and ComicCon 2014-2015. #AvengersTexting #XMenTexting #AvXTexting
Twitter: @ThorHulkCritic / @dommah IG: dommah
Facebook: ThorHulkCritic      Fun Karaoke Web Show: karaokerhapsody.com

Thor and Captain America.

10 Reasons I Sort Of Wanted To Punch You In The Face On Sunday

1. I like your face, but it was attached to other faces, so I sort of wanted to punch all the faces.
2. I don't "do" "that."

3. It recalled those other times I stood on the periphery of a multi-face makeout session, except now am older.
4. The thinking goes, "one can join in the kissyface if one adopts the appropriate attitude; but it's already figured-out that you don't care to kiss me under normal circumstances, so the joiner impulse feels egotistic and not affectionate, intrusive and not welcomed, and anyway, consolation-prize kissyface is not what it's all about."
5. People who secretly want to kiss each other are usually just waiting for the right moment.
6. I woke up that morning mad at you and didn't want to end the day madder at you. 
7. It was the end of a real shitty weekend.
8. I won't even get into the racial thing because no one gets that part.
9. Completely fouled up the first plan for tricking self into sleep. Instead laid there thinking unending thoughts like, "if there was no gross, would there still be cute?" as opposed to, "that was a worthwhile trip to the bar in the effort to forget Saturday."
10. The smiles you all had afterwards, the obvious smile from warmth and accomplishment, the smile one would have. 



Karaoke Rhapsody

This is a web series that I do about karaoke culture, watch it if you please.

August 2014.

Sleep.
Warmth.
Eyes and hands. Neck and nose. Big features, small head.
What is it? This.
Sleep.
Darkness.
Music.
Shoulders. Temples. The soft spot under the ears.
Back of the knees. Feet. Weightless.
Sleep.
Shudders. Talking soft, laughing at language.
Movements are not how you meant them to be,
or what you're used to.
Warmth. 
Learning. Still searching. Missing the point. Wondering.
Waiting and waiting and waiting.
Asking and answering.
Eyes and hands.
Warmth.
Sleep.

17 Horrible Things That People Say Because We All Want Love But Are Idiots

Don't say these horrible stupid things. Ever. Don't text them either.

1. "I love women." What the hell does that even mean? Everyone loves women. How could you love all women? You think it's some sort of strange condition that you love women? You think it's an interesting thing about you? It is not, because loving women is a very common thing. What you mean is you are pathologically interested in having sex with as many women as possible, but for some reason you say this other thing. 

2. "He looks lonely." He does not look lonely. You have no idea what a lonely person looks like. You want to go talk to the tall hottie who is brooding in a corner, playing the I'm-complicated-and-hard-to-get game that he learned from a Pickup Artist technique book. You're walking away from an actually lonely person to go talk to a player. Fine. Say that. Don't tell me that he looks lonely and you're going to go fix that because you're such a nice person you solve all the problems of the lonely people in the world. Fuck that. If you care so much about people being lonely, stay here with me. "Didn't think so." - Louis C.K.


3. "..., period." What, you ended all human communication with that period? That period means you are right? All your preceding words are empirical truth because you said "period"? "Cats are avocados, period." Um, still not true. Period.

空オーケストラ写真

Here's a playlist featuring short teasers & trailers for the karaoke-themed unscripted drama (that's the official way of saying reality show) I've been working on. It has a cool Japanese codename until we figure out what the final title is.



If you would like to support this sort of thing, financially, through social media, or with artistic/filmmaking resources, please get in touch with me. I can say with confidence it is going to be the Star Wars Episode 7 of karaoke-themed unscripted dramas.

Jessika Fett and Boyd Hastings in a scene from A Piece Of Me.


Asian-American Guy Problems VS. American Woman Problems

This is the clearest way to explain it I think. #AsianAmericanManSplain

2 types of people with glasses. Yet a chasm of experience separates them.
Asian-American Man ProblemAmerican Woman Problem
Nobody seems highly interested in dating me.Every weirdo in every bar seems highly interested in dating me.
I live in a culture that considers me subordinate and docile. I live in a culture that considers me subordinate and docile.
I am the least-preferred ethnic group in online dating.I joined a dating site and got 20 pictures of genitalia in the first minute.
I don't talk about the racism because it's not sexy. I don't talk about the sexism because gaaaaah it's too everywhere.
People assume I'm weird. People assume I'm meat.
Since Mad Men came out I feel pressure to be an Alpha Bro I would never want to be. Since Mad Men came out I feel pressure to date successful alcoholics. 
I am the least-married ethnic group in America. I've been married twice already, it ain't all that great.
I am very anxious about being nice but not seeming "too nice."I am very anxious because everyone who's nice to me also has an angle.
On other hand, the police are usually pretty nice to me, based on a cultural profile I have no control over. Police are usually pretty nice to me, based on a cultural profile I have no control over.
When meeting someone I have to devote energy to both appearing sexually interested and not seeming like the weirdo they are expecting. It's exhausting. When meeting someone I have to evaluate both how much they want to use me for sex and an exit strategy even if I sort of like them. It's fricking exhausting.
I eat meals alone with my phone.If this guy attempts to pay for my food, does he think I owe him a hookup?
I wake up alone. I wake up next to some douche.
Every opportunity for love is kind of a big deal. Ever opportunity for love with a non-stalker is kind of a big deal.
If I lived in New York I could get a date because they're more racially open-minded there. If I lived in Los Angeles I could get a date because the lonely dudes there outnumber me 5 to 1.
Things might go easier if I was gay. Things might go easier if I was gay.
James Franco, John Mayer, also guys with beards. Katy Perry, also girls with nice hair.
People are very surprised if I karaoke Prince, even though Asian guys invented that karaoke shit. People are very surprised if I karaoke a song that isn't pretty or flattering.
Although I have my own preferences, people expect me to just go for whoever's available after Don Draper has chosen.Although I have my own preferences, they are distorted by the availability of dudes who will evidently humiliate themselves for my attention.
Because of TV stereotypes, people expect me to be really good at tech. I'm not. Because of porn, people expect me to be really good at handjobs. I'm not.
Once, I was just standing around and made someone very uncomfortable by clearing my throat. Once, I was just standing around and was invited to a threesome because I adjusted my shirt.
I recognize 100 different ways of being written off. I recognize 100 different ways of being hit on. 
I know who I want but she has never even considered the possibility that the Asian guy has functional baby-making equipment. I don't know who I want, but I am pretty sure it is not all these people who want me.
I actually speak way better English than you.I actually speak way better English than you.

Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Third in a set of poems based on the titles of the most-overdone songs at karaoke. Also: Don't Stop Believing and I Want It That Way.




Total Eclipse of the Heart

Virgin moon
Every now and then
Diana breaks out the arrows.
A hunter, she was born in Italy.

Turning tides
Every night the bar is full
and empty at the same time, you know
it kind of waxes and wanes.

Turning on:
the Turned Ons and the Turners
all circle each other, but
sometimes you just run out of time.

Mars and Venus
are just fucking fuckpads
and everyone is mad
at the universe because they're alone.

Virgin moon, bright night
The hunter sees a boy that she likes.

Virgin moon, bright night
Every now and then I fall apart.

Turn away
Every now and then
I watch them work on the street
and then I go and shop for a shirt.

Turn to me
Girls are aware of who's
approaching, boys attune to
who is running away.

Lock and key.
Home and garden. 
Shop for clothes. 
Medium small small medium small.

Virgin moon
goddess Diana's bow is seen
in the crescent phase,
in your belly, in your eyes.

Small sky, big eyes
Moons of your shoulders, sun of your heart.

"Turn around! Smile!"
It's funny how beauty makes everything fall apart.

And I need you now tonight.
We could be alone together.
We could be on our phones together.
I'm overcome, just come over. 

The moon relates to melancholy. 
The moon is in a song.
Okay, Cupid. Okay, Diana. 
The choices are the shadows, don't be bad, don't be wrong. 

The bar is breaking up. Hunters and the herd.
Hugs with cigarettes and a few fumbled words.
I really, really need you tonight.
Whatever's going to start tonight.
Totally. Starting. Tonight.

Early in the day
I was choosing a shirt
Now I lie with you in the dark. 
Tracing out the moon's
actual ellipse from your heart.

Sort of like a circle or
a limaçon with an arrow's sharp.
The imagined shape that you'd see
if you saw an eclipse of the heart.

Paul.

A version of this piece originally appeared at You Offend Me You Offend My Family.

It was 20ish years ago today…

The first pop music I ever heard clearly was Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and if your experience is the same, then you scarcely need read this preamble. The vinyl record belonged to my father. I was very young and had only a vague concept of music being in two categories: 1) All my father's classical records, in which I had begrudging compulsory interest, and 2) something called rock music, which was on the radio. Self-image having formed well before musical vocabulary, I knew that rock was the cool category, and that I could not possibly belong to the cool category. In terms of "having musical taste," I mainly knew the opening theme to the Battle of the Planets cartoon. Bach and Brahms and Beethoven were things that happened in an adult world: pleasant, settled, defined. But next to these 3 big B's in my dad's record collection, there was this one record by the Beatles.

Since it was the only album that didn't have an old man in a white wig on the cover, I was fascinated by its kiddie-friendly colors. And anyway, I had to figure out how this record player thing worked at some point or other. I put Sgt, Pepper on side A and carefully placed the needle.

And the rest, as you know, is Earth-bound magic.

Poly, a parody of "Polly" in the style of Nirvana

A song about the "poly" (polygamous dating) concept, written to the tune of "Polly" by Nirvana.



POLY

Polly is a poly
I think you have to be cute first
To have a lot of partners
Everyone's a dark horse

It's not for me
Monogamy
Let's hook up
Have a fling
Let me take a ride
With someone else
Want a friend?
Friend yourself
No one's old
No one's cold
Promise you
This isn't true
Let you take a ride
Amuse yourself
I am hot
I help myself

Polly wants it casual
She doesn't wanna be tied down
Unless she wants to be tied down
Wednesdays are so booooooring

Poly says her phone's dead
She's just as bored as me
But she has a lot more options
It amazes me, the gall of hotties

Is it me?
Try and see
Let's hook up
It's not a thing
Not too attached
Don't hurt yourself
Don't want a male
Don't want a wife
I'm very open
Unless you're fat
Or really rude
Or an Asian dude
Got an open mind
And I am sexy
So I wrote a sext
To myself.



Next in this series will be a spoof of "Molly" by Sponge.



I Want It That Way.

Second in a series of poems based on the most-overdone karaoke songs.


I Want It That Way

I invented fire. 
The one messiah. 
Believe what I say.
I own a desert.

I make a diamond a day.
I invented sex, and also those
yummy walnut prawns at Chinese banquets.
I am pretty lit, by the way.

But tell me why
I can't decide
that you would just walk in
from outside.

I'm friends with a dinosaur
who shits concept cars.
I am absolute truth.
I invented mistakes. Also, cake. 

I made you in my image,
messed up your hair though.
I'm that guy who stays up for four days
and sleeps for three. I'm Pinocchio,
I think in code, I'll love you from
the start of time to
the tallest point of Tokyo.

But tell me why
you can't just decide
to ache for some guy.
I can see electrons,
spit a billion sick syllables,
stop and start a heart,
but I can't make up your mind
and am left wanting, that way.

Don't Stop Believing.

As part of the ongoing karaoke otaku-ness, I'm writing some poems based on the most-overdone karaoke songs, holding loosely to the song's theme and line structure. This is the first one.


Don't Stop Believing

She stretched out on the street,
her fist a pillow,
she tried to feel comfortable.

He thought about failing to fail.
Not from southern anywhere but
also can't be from a bar.

The scene seen with raw eyes;
two young folk speaking smoke, 
simple minded as spaghetti, don't forget me,
don't forget, I won't forget you.

She sat up straight and attentive,
a shadow passed over like a cloud
in the desert, like an idea. 
The night turns navy towards me
and the pulse of Friday street lamps
taunt and turn into nothing. 

We're always making a movie.
This one's weird title is:
"Heartbreak Goes Around in a Circle
Like Mononucleosis of the Discarded."

Turn around, flip the world,
hold for sound. But don't forget,
don't forget to smile and move,
because movement is love.

She said, "We are all getting smaller
with every one of us,
classroom to cluster to ashes to dust;
But don't stop believing,
don't ever not believe
it isn't true."

I looked up when she said that
and couldn't shake the feeling
that nothing was wrong.