This is the clearest way to explain it I think. #AsianAmericanManSplain
2 types of people with glasses. Yet a chasm of experience separates them.
Asian-American Man Problem
American Woman Problem
Nobody seems highly interested in dating me.
Every weirdo in every bar seems highly interested in dating me.
I live in a culture that considers me subordinate and docile.
I live in a culture that considers me subordinate and docile.
I am the least-preferred ethnic group in online dating.
I joined a dating site and got 20 pictures of genitalia in the first minute.
I don't talk about the racism because it's not sexy.
I don't talk about the sexism because gaaaaah it's too everywhere.
People assume I'm weird.
People assume I'm meat.
Since Mad Men came out I feel pressure to be an Alpha Bro I would never want to be.
Since Mad Men came out I feel pressure to date successful alcoholics.
I am the least-married ethnic group in America.
I've been married twice already, it ain't all that great.
I am very anxious about being nice but not seeming "too nice."
I am very anxious because everyone who's nice to me also has an angle.
On other hand, the police are usually pretty nice to me, based on a cultural profile I have no control over.
Police are usually pretty nice to me, based on a cultural profile I have no control over.
When meeting someone I have to devote energy to both appearing sexually interested and not seeming like the weirdo they are expecting. It's exhausting.
When meeting someone I have to evaluate both how much they want to use me for sex and an exit strategy even if I sort of like them. It's fricking exhausting.
I eat meals alone with my phone.
If this guy attempts to pay for my food, does he think I owe him a hookup?
I wake up alone.
I wake up next to some douche.
Every opportunity for love is kind of a big deal.
Ever opportunity for love with a non-stalker is kind of a big deal.
If I lived in New York I could get a date because they're more racially open-minded there.
If I lived in Los Angeles I could get a date because the lonely dudes there outnumber me 5 to 1.
Things might go easier if I was gay.
Things might go easier if I was gay.
James Franco, John Mayer, also guys with beards.
Katy Perry, also girls with nice hair.
People are very surprised if I karaoke Prince, even though Asian guys invented that karaoke shit.
People are very surprised if I karaoke a song that isn't pretty or flattering.
Although I have my own preferences, people expect me to just go for whoever's available after Don Draper has chosen.
Although I have my own preferences, they are distorted by the availability of dudes who will evidently humiliate themselves for my attention.
Because of TV stereotypes, people expect me to be really good at tech. I'm not.
Because of porn, people expect me to be really good at handjobs. I'm not.
Once, I was just standing around and made someone very uncomfortable by clearing my throat.
Once, I was just standing around and was invited to a threesome because I adjusted my shirt.
I recognize 100 different ways of being written off.
I recognize 100 different ways of being hit on.
I know who I want but she has never even considered the possibility that the Asian guy has functional baby-making equipment.
I don't know who I want, but I am pretty sure it is not all these people who want me.
1. People in Berkeley still have no idea how to order a burrito. "Do I want regular or super?" "I want it with the boiled chicken." "NO HOT SAUCE." "Should I get guacamole and sour cream? I'm ordering it for a friend." "Did you put tomatoes in it already?" "What's in a carnitas?"
Fellow Berkleyans, in terms of component ingredients used, there are fewer menu options at Gordo's than even In 'N' Out. Every choice is literally in front of you, in heated trays, when you approach the counter. And you clearly don't know what you want, so you might as well stop trying to have it the way you want.
2. Young parents will, remarkably, discuss not the order, but the intricateprocess of ordering their family takeout dinner with the cashier, as if it is somehow his responsibility. "Are there 3 burritos? But I have 4 kids in the car. Maybe one of them is not eating. But I should get 4 burritos in case he wants to eat. Hold on, let me call. (A great eon of phone-fiddling passes.) Yeah, I guess he's not eating. Do you think 3 burritos is enough?"
Dude, guess what, it's your family, YOU get to keep track of this stuff. I don't take a Facebook poll and quiz the staff before deciding whether to get an extra burrito or not. Of course you want to order more, it's Gordo's! Fatten that kid up!
3. Quesadillas do sorta become the same thing as tacos when you order the quesadilla on a corn tortilla with hella meat and stuff on it.
4. Some people think that "Super" indicates an actual cooking method or some kind of specifically arcane carnality within the burrito. It does not. "Super" only means that this burrito will make you fatter than the normal burrito. It is, however, a Spanish word, so you can pronounce it that way if it makes you feel better about yourself.
5. I went to a Chipotle for the first time recently. Tripped me out. As in Subway, at Chipotle you get to, have to in fact, verbally confirm every element or lump that is put in the burrito before the guy proceeds down the conveyor belt. You get it exactly the way you order it. I think Chipotle's adoption of this absurdly high-maintenance service model, with its "If you say brown rice, we say how many grains?" philosophy, is probably contributing to the problems of the Gordo's line in modern times.
By introducing the possibility of micro-managing every ingredient in your fatty fried takeout meal, Chipotle/Subway has infected the populace with the idea that it might actually be necessary to do that.
Need I mention that the Chipotle iBurrito's meat had nowhere near the succulence, its rice none of the chew, its salsa none of the life, as the thing you get from Gordo's if you simply walk up to the counter and order "burrito"?
People, the whole point is it's supposed to be fast. Get the carnitas on whatever, and keep moving boldly towards the future.
You heard me. That's what's up. Yeah, it's a pretty big weekend. So what? It's got knees and eyes like everybody else. Here are the 27 ways in which I'm going to beat the shit out of this weekend.
1) I'm gonna watch the recap of Game 5 of the Giants vs. Reds about 100 times in the solitary comfort of my cute Hollywood apartment. I'm going to loopily enjoy the beauty of Posey's grand slam, Pagan's catch, Crawford's dive, Panda's Pandaness, Cain's cool.
2) I'm going to get a fat load of Twitter followers for @Phearchannel and @Thorhulkcritic and a bunch of Youtube subscribers for Paranormalstatus.com. Because every weekend starts with #Follow #Fucking #Friday, baby! HELL YEAH. POUR IT.
3) Gonna write up a proposal and treatment for a new rock musical, because that's one of the things in life I kick bloody ass at. No I'm not gonna write no flipping script. Who reads, or follows, or understands, or gets hard from flipping scripts? TREATMENT, MAN.
4) Gonna edit a cute cat video. And post that shit. That's right. 5) I am gonna hound LA Weekly until they correct the spelling of chashu in their supposedly-hip ramen capsule review. It's not char siu, dude. Char siu is Chinese and not in ramen and also not pronounceable in Japanese. If you're gonna have the gig of reviewing the best Asian cuisine in America and feel compelled to hiply print words in the language, try to get it right. It's only the languages of about 2 billion people or so.
6) I am so going to totally forget about every woman I have ever strongly liked. At least, I am going to forget that I like them. Because clearly that shit gets you nowhere, buddy.
7) I will overcome every socio-racial disadvantage I have ever whined about by temporarily turning into a white dude. Gals will feel that they are supposed to throw the sex on me because of every movie and TV show they have ever seen, despite the fact that I am of only medium height. I don't give a pho.
8) I will exploit a new area of socio-racial advantage by turning into an Asian woman and getting a great writing job, beating out many other qualified applicants on a questionable unspoken basis, which is that everybody likes Asian women. Yeah, I said it. Sue me.
9) I will hook up with a very intelligent funny girl with three boobs. When I say I just want to cuddle, she goes, "Damn! That's awesome! That's not biologically repulsive at all!"
10) Fuckin' gonna buy a blanket and some envelopes, too. And maybe some socks. And gonna pull a box of crap out of my car and organize that crap. You darn tooting. That's how we do.
12) Somehow amongst all this business I'm gonna fit in a fucking epic nap.
13) I am hell of going to that Peruvian restaurant to have a big fat plate of lomo saltado and see if they got a causa rellena.
14) Gonna see the shit out of Looper, because that guy is the best director working. He is so awesome he had a cute Asian girl sidekick in his second film and it was not extremely creepy and stupid. Amended because I did see Looper, which was a fine film except for the part which had every Asian female film stereotype ever documented. Hey white boys! Keep fucking up! The love of a mute Chinese woman will save you! And then she will die and you will have a reason to live/murder children. (I'm not making that up to be tacky, that is the plot of the movie,)
15) I'm gonna have a few cocktails with vodka in 'em. Maybe a fruit-flavored vodka. What? You wanna tussle?
16) Will memorize all the words to "Geto Superstar," just because it is mentally possible to do so.
17) I'm going to find Mitt Romney and personally beat the shit out of him. Because he is not now and is never going to be president, so making that kind of threat idly is always going to be legally permissible.
18) I'm gonna watch some football while doing a hard workout, just to ensure that I can still be effortlessly crushed by any of those guys.
19) I'm gonna stare at my goddamn phone like a boss.
20) I am going to write a poem or a song about you.
21) I am hell of not gonna get married, or have a baby, or post pictures of my food. Because I like to believe I still stand for something.
22) I am gonna find out what is up with my Internet connection and beat the shit out of it.
23) Everyone is going to be so impressed by all the shit-beating-out-of which I will ostensibly accomplish this weekend, they are all gonna subscribe to paranormalstatus.com and also start a kickstarter campaign with the singular goal of raising $2.6 million dollars to dump straight on to my big head. Then I will be exposed to a radioactive cloud and gain fucking superpowers.
24) I'm gonna enjoy the crap out of some rain.
25) I'm going to make a page for a fictional character on Facebook and then BEFRIEND IT. Yeah!
26) I'mma hit up a sexy birthday party in Little Tokyo. Because I live in Los Angeles, bitch. I don't have to go to Big Tokyo. I live in a heroic struggling fantasy of myself and I can go to Little Frakking Anywhere.
27) I am gonna root like hell for the Orioles. Mainly because I like The Wire.
So, honestly, this is what I'm hoping you will do. It will take between 2 and 35 minutes depending on whether you actually watch the vids or not.
Any clever viral/interactive/audience-engagement marketing I might scheme up is a coded attempt to get you to do Exactly This.
For the indie artist/videomaker/content creator, this is the platonic ideal for how a viewer interacts with their videos on youtube. If you are curious about how you can support artist/creators that you like, for free, in no time at all, take this as a case study, a walkthrough.
1. Start here. Find and click the SUBSCRIBE button that is in the upper left corner of every Youtube video (or sort of near the title on the channel pages). If you don't have a youtube account yet you will be prompted to create one, it is totally free and non-intrusive and will take 30 seconds.***
2. Click the LIKE button. Copy the link, any link. Share it, embed it, tweet about it. Seriously, you don't even gotta watch it. I mean, we worked hard on it, the episode is there to be enjoyed, but don't let some convoluted sense of "I must watch the entire video before validating it with viral shares and mentions" hold you up from just pimping that link everywhere. Write it on the wall of your office building's bathroom. Email it to HuffPost. Text it to your cat. Paranormalstatus.com.
The episode is arranged with a certain narrative delicacy (if I do say so m'self), but if you just wanna know what happens, I can happily spoil it for you. The high points of this episode are Dave getting drunk and singing a variant of "God Save the Queen" and a colorful dream sequence with a terrifying/satirical cliffhanger.
Go to episode 2 to catch up on some plot points. There is an amusing Sadako gag and a tender death scene that will come up again later in the arc of the series.
3. Like-button everything. Comment on something. If you don't like something about this whole endeavor, comment on that. Create traffic. (The goal of every web-based thing is to create traffic and go viral, that is, the exact opposites of your goals in real life, haha.)**
Click on Episode 1, it's the pilot, so it has the most expositional lag, yes, some questionable cinematography, yes, yet you will still find moments to enjoy the buffoonish heroism of Dave and the sardonic radiance of Zoe and Elle. And again, plot points that will come up again later. And if you comment identifying the characters and context of the Dark Knight Returns reference in this episode, you win a 2012 ComicCon bag full of goodies. It's a rolling easter-egg contest that as yet no one has been nerdy enough to win. :)
4. And by gum, you can even click on an ad, because in theory that turns into $$$, of which some trickles down to the artist (me & the POO crew). You are obligated to buy nothing, yet your friend/video-creator/artist gets rewarded. Kind of an awesome deal, right?
Like this playlist, where I will maintain a curated "best of" all Paranormal Status videos, maximized for entertainment like a circus routine. This is after all, at base, not about money or fancy filmmaking (or consistent camerawork, to be sure). It's about trying to make you laugh.
And then there's our facebook page, and supposedly it is good when people like that.**
5. If somehow you have read this far, you may as well also follow @dommah @thorhulkcritic and @phearchannel on twitter, and enjoy my 140-character bursts of smile-causing sarcastic musings.
And really, that's it. Thank you!
***This is really important because YouTube success or failure (I mean, nothing really fails on YouTube, but some things are more successful than others) is judged in hard numbers of subscriptions and viewcounts. So if you just wanna click on the thing continuously while it's in the background of your monitor while you're doing other important things...that would be awesome. **It's cool if you like the things on Facebook, but keep in mind this key difference: FB just tracks and uses your input as part of their Freaking Massive Marketing Data Collecting Machine, whereas, YouTube looks at that data and actually passes on some of its profits to its content creators. Not in a way that it's like they're giving away money, exactly, but on principle, Youtube rewards the people who, you know, make the shit that is on Youtube. No artist ever gets paid off people liking them on Facebook. (SUM-UP POINT: do the FB thing anyway, but the best thing to do on FB is share, share, share.)
It's on. This episode has the unbelievable awesome that makes you want to shed tears of geekiness.
It's so awesome it has an Orguss in it.
It's so awesome, it has a Minmay song that is not "Stagefright."
It's so awesome, I forget my problems and prance around the house going, "We WILL win. We ARE all stars and we see that! I am a fucking HERO. I am footloose AND in the danger zone. Yeah!"
It's awesome because in the end it's all about love.
