Here's a playlist featuring short teasers & trailers for the karaoke-themed unscripted drama (that's the official way of saying reality show) I've been working on. It has a cool Japanese codename until we figure out what the final title is.
If you would like to support this sort of thing, financially, through social media, or with artistic/filmmaking resources, please get in touch with me. I can say with confidence it is going to be the Star Wars Episode 7 of karaoke-themed unscripted dramas.
Jessika Fett and Boyd Hastings in a scene from A Piece Of Me.
The first pop music I ever heard clearly was Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and if your experience is the same, then you scarcely need read this preamble. The vinyl record belonged to my father. I was very young and had only a vague concept of music being in two categories: 1) All my father's classical records, in which I had begrudging compulsory interest, and 2) something called rock music, which was on the radio. Self-image having formed well before musical vocabulary, I knew that rock was the cool category, and that I could not possibly belong to the cool category. In terms of "having musical taste," I mainly knew the opening theme to the Battle of the Planets cartoon. Bach and Brahms and Beethoven were things that happened in an adult world: pleasant, settled, defined. But next to these 3 big B's in my dad's record collection, there was this one record by the Beatles.
Since it was the only album that didn't have an old man in a white wig on the cover, I was fascinated by its kiddie-friendly colors. And anyway, I had to figure out how this record player thing worked at some point or other. I put Sgt, Pepper on side A and carefully placed the needle.
A song about the "poly" (polygamous dating) concept, written to the tune of "Polly" by Nirvana.
POLY Polly is a poly I think you have to be cute first To have a lot of partners Everyone's a dark horse It's not for me Monogamy Let's hook up Have a fling Let me take a ride With someone else Want a friend? Friend yourself No one's old No one's cold Promise you This isn't true Let you take a ride Amuse yourself I am hot I help myself Polly wants it casual She doesn't wanna be tied down Unless she wants to be tied down Wednesdays are so booooooring Poly says her phone's dead She's just as bored as me But she has a lot more options It amazes me, the gall of hotties Is it me? Try and see Let's hook up It's not a thing Not too attached Don't hurt yourself Don't want a male Don't want a wife I'm very open Unless you're fat Or really rude Or an Asian dude Got an open mind And I am sexy So I wrote a sext To myself.
Next in this series will be a spoof of "Molly" by Sponge.
I was going to write about something happy and affectionate today, like a girl on a pegasus with a muffin or something. Instead I have this:
1. SHAPE OF MY HEART
At one point in the song, AJ sings: "Sadness is beautiful. Loneliness is tragical."
Tragical is a nice idea for an English word, but it is not an English word.
"Tragic" is what English speakers say, for example, when they refer to the Backstreet Boys' fluency with English.
Maybe their powers of vocabulary were distracted by the blonde gal in the video, who apparently is about to go down on Nick under the table. But more likely it's just that the Backstreet Boys could not speak English to save their goddamn lives.
It's not super-hard to match the subject and verb here. Men STRIKE, Man STRIKES. Men do not strikes. I think possibly Kevin was born in a foreign land.
This concert was also notable for BSB's duet (uh, sextet?) with Sting, doing "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Yes that is a really awesome idea.
3. DOES HIS GIFTS COME FROM THE HEART? DOES HIS FRIENDS GET ALL YOUR TIME?
Strangely, "DO his gifts come from the heart" would also fit the meter, and also be correct English.
We get it, guys. You are so backstreet that you even speak English all street-like. Your love is all you have to give. You certainly cannot give lessons in English.
4. AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A MISTAKE, I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY, I WANT IT THAT WAY
Let's try to parse this chorus. Whoops, it's impossible. WHAT is nothing but a heartache? The relationship? You? Okay. There is a phrase you never want to hear me say? Or the state of non-speaking of the phrase is the "way" you want it? What is it you never wanna hear me say? You never wanna hear me say that I want it that way? But you just told me to believe when you say "I want it that way," and so I do believe you want it that way, but that brings us back to this whatever you supposedly never want to hear me say. Huh? SPEAK FRIKKIN' ENGLISH, for the love of God.
Again, from VH-1's Mens Strikes Backs.
5. SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY
Duh. They're asking because they really don't know what is the meaning of the word "lonely." Because the Backstreet Boys don't know how to speak goddamn English.
Also, remember when this was the most popular video in the universe? There are kids out there right now probably still learning English from those Backstreet Chumps. And that is truly tragical.
"Let's just go to Nick's" is the unofficial slogan of my current favorite karaoke bar, Nick's Lounge. The phrase was coined by the owner, Bryan. The idea is, it's what you should've said at the planning phase of your evening, before you
- searched the interweb vainly for the coolest place to go.
- texted all your friends including James Earl Magotes about what cool thing they are going to.
- went to a place maybe to meet up with whoever, got lost because it's "somewhere in the Mission," paid $35 in parking and gas because it's San Francisco, and paid another 11 bucks for an artisanal cocktail only to find out that you're at the wrong place because you suck.
- noticed that all the "cool" places to go in the Bay Area are in fact expensive, pretentious, and full of brogrammers and princesses. Sometimes gay princesses, but nevertheless.
- crossed Nick's off your list because it has unsexy lighting, questionable bathrooms, is a karaoke bar, and you were there just last night.
- had a miserable time because all people do in the cool bars is talk about obscure liquors and chase each other for sex. There is nothing else to actually do.
I prefer bars where there is one other thing to do, whether it is watch sports, sing karaoke, or play a competitive card game. That one other thing keeps you out of the drinking-loneliness-more drinking-pointless existence loop that happens at most cool bars. And the cool bars are tense, because you have to be in that loop yet somehow divert all remaining Dilithium reactor power towards staying hip.
If you don't know, you never will, but what I usually say at the planning phase of the evening is
- I want to sing a song, and see what kinds of songs other people are singing. If the songs/people are a lot out of step with my personal song preference list, I'll leave quickly.
- I could use a beer.
- Most of all I want to relax.
- Let's just go to Nick's.
(for more karaoke-related stuff, please visit melancholyball.com and https://www.facebook.com/melancholyball) 1. Do not sing "Don't Stop Believing" or "Bohemian Rhapsody."*
Often seems like a good idea. Is not. If you feel you must sing Journey, make the journey home. If you are feeling Queenish, may I suggest "Fat Bottom Girls" (the guitar groove is sexy, irrespective of actual singing) or "Somebody To Love" (its rolling 12/8 meter will evoke "Piano Man" sentimentality without actually being "Piano Man," and its lyric describes what most people in bars are thinking anyway).
2. If you must rap, do not use the n-word.
This is a 3-shot foul. Doesn't matter how street you think you are. But, one occasionally wants to do "Hypnotize," so. Have a word prepared. "People" or "brother" are usually acceptable. Or a sharp intake of breath.** Or, I'm told, "ninja" also works.
3. Know whether your song is Sexy, Heartached, or Obscure.
Karaoke culture reveals that there are only 3 genres of song: Sexy Songs, Songs of Heartache and Loss, and Songs That No One Has Heard Of. Of course, that last category includes much wonderful, deathless, genius music. For the purposes of karaoke, doesn't matter.
Sexy Songs can be rock, soul, hiphop, country, whatever; they make you want to dance and drink and flirt and get good and naughty naughty. These songs are often stupid. But they are necessary. "Umbrella." "La Isla Bonita." "Mr. Brightside." "Poison." "Beast of Burden." "Always Be My Baby."
Songs of Heartache and Loss create the other desired emotional color of a healthy karaoke bar. The feeling of Love: unrequited and blue, sentimental and warm, momentary and true, often involving a key change up for the last chorus. "Alone." "At This Moment." "No Woman No Cry." "Fake Plastic Trees." "Rocket Man."
Songs That No One Has Heard Of: again, this category encompasses Most Good Music In The Universe. The catch is, you have to sing an "obscure" song very very well in orderto endear it to mass virgin ears. Otherwise, you are being purely self-indulgent, and more or less wasting everyone's drinking time. The personal attachment you have to the [deep album track]/[quirky one-hit wonder] is Strictly Only In Your Head, unless you can somehow sell the song as sexy or heartachey. "Birdhouse In Your Soul." "Red Rain." Most Bowie. Any Of The Other Songs By A-Ha, Of Which There Are A Surprising Number.
Hybrid songs, which fall into 2 of the above categories, do exist. Generally they are mid-tempo snare-heavy tunes with a pretty chorus. Songs that are both Sexy and Heartachey: "Beast of Burden." "Como Al Flor." "Man in the Mirror." Macklemore's "Same Love." The song that is all at once Sexy, Heartbreaking, and You Haven't Heard Of It Before? Very rare, and many far greater musicians than me are always searching for it. The closest one I can think of is Talking Heads' "This Must Be The Place," but it's not quite obscure enough, just very obscure in karaoke books.
4. If there is a choice, don't pick the version with the video.
Karaoke videos are a beautiful and unsung (so to speak) sub-genre of short film that often take place in the 80's, or in Kuala Lumpur, or both. However, they are usually accompanied by an 80s-era dinky MIDI-based instrumental track, as opposed to the more faithful instrumental tracks which have words only and a snare drum sound that more closely emulates the song you were looking for. Screw it man, it's all about the music.
5. Do ask members of the opposite sex, or whatever your favorite sex is, to sing a tune with you.
It's fun and mostly harmless. And it's a way of opening up interaction in a bar where people are feeling self-conscious and solipsistic. But be able to sing the song that you suggest. Or failing that, make sure the suggested song is at a high grade of Sexy or Heartachey, preferably familiar enough that you can stumble through it no matter what happens. "Up Where We Belong." "Super Bass." "Under Pressure." "A Whole New World."
*(Other Songs That You Should Reconsider Singing Because Everybody Does Them: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart." "Sweet Caroline." "I Want It That Way." "Friends In Low Places." "Hotel California." "Closing Time." "China Girl." "A Whole New World.")
**Unless you're a black person, in which case it's different.
You heard me. That's what's up. Yeah, it's a pretty big weekend. So what? It's got knees and eyes like everybody else. Here are the 27 ways in which I'm going to beat the shit out of this weekend.
1) I'm gonna watch the recap of Game 5 of the Giants vs. Reds about 100 times in the solitary comfort of my cute Hollywood apartment. I'm going to loopily enjoy the beauty of Posey's grand slam, Pagan's catch, Crawford's dive, Panda's Pandaness, Cain's cool.
2) I'm going to get a fat load of Twitter followers for @Phearchannel and @Thorhulkcritic and a bunch of Youtube subscribers for Paranormalstatus.com. Because every weekend starts with #Follow #Fucking #Friday, baby! HELL YEAH. POUR IT.
3) Gonna write up a proposal and treatment for a new rock musical, because that's one of the things in life I kick bloody ass at. No I'm not gonna write no flipping script. Who reads, or follows, or understands, or gets hard from flipping scripts? TREATMENT, MAN.
4) Gonna edit a cute cat video. And post that shit. That's right. 5) I am gonna hound LA Weekly until they correct the spelling of chashu in their supposedly-hip ramen capsule review. It's not char siu, dude. Char siu is Chinese and not in ramen and also not pronounceable in Japanese. If you're gonna have the gig of reviewing the best Asian cuisine in America and feel compelled to hiply print words in the language, try to get it right. It's only the languages of about 2 billion people or so.
6) I am so going to totally forget about every woman I have ever strongly liked. At least, I am going to forget that I like them. Because clearly that shit gets you nowhere, buddy.
7) I will overcome every socio-racial disadvantage I have ever whined about by temporarily turning into a white dude. Gals will feel that they are supposed to throw the sex on me because of every movie and TV show they have ever seen, despite the fact that I am of only medium height. I don't give a pho.
8) I will exploit a new area of socio-racial advantage by turning into an Asian woman and getting a great writing job, beating out many other qualified applicants on a questionable unspoken basis, which is that everybody likes Asian women. Yeah, I said it. Sue me.
9) I will hook up with a very intelligent funny girl with three boobs. When I say I just want to cuddle, she goes, "Damn! That's awesome! That's not biologically repulsive at all!"
10) Fuckin' gonna buy a blanket and some envelopes, too. And maybe some socks. And gonna pull a box of crap out of my car and organize that crap. You darn tooting. That's how we do.
12) Somehow amongst all this business I'm gonna fit in a fucking epic nap.
13) I am hell of going to that Peruvian restaurant to have a big fat plate of lomo saltado and see if they got a causa rellena.
14) Gonna see the shit out of Looper, because that guy is the best director working. He is so awesome he had a cute Asian girl sidekick in his second film and it was not extremely creepy and stupid. Amended because I did see Looper, which was a fine film except for the part which had every Asian female film stereotype ever documented. Hey white boys! Keep fucking up! The love of a mute Chinese woman will save you! And then she will die and you will have a reason to live/murder children. (I'm not making that up to be tacky, that is the plot of the movie,)
15) I'm gonna have a few cocktails with vodka in 'em. Maybe a fruit-flavored vodka. What? You wanna tussle?
16) Will memorize all the words to "Geto Superstar," just because it is mentally possible to do so.
17) I'm going to find Mitt Romney and personally beat the shit out of him. Because he is not now and is never going to be president, so making that kind of threat idly is always going to be legally permissible.
18) I'm gonna watch some football while doing a hard workout, just to ensure that I can still be effortlessly crushed by any of those guys.
19) I'm gonna stare at my goddamn phone like a boss.
20) I am going to write a poem or a song about you.
21) I am hell of not gonna get married, or have a baby, or post pictures of my food. Because I like to believe I still stand for something.
22) I am gonna find out what is up with my Internet connection and beat the shit out of it.
23) Everyone is going to be so impressed by all the shit-beating-out-of which I will ostensibly accomplish this weekend, they are all gonna subscribe to paranormalstatus.com and also start a kickstarter campaign with the singular goal of raising $2.6 million dollars to dump straight on to my big head. Then I will be exposed to a radioactive cloud and gain fucking superpowers.
24) I'm gonna enjoy the crap out of some rain.
25) I'm going to make a page for a fictional character on Facebook and then BEFRIEND IT. Yeah!
26) I'mma hit up a sexy birthday party in Little Tokyo. Because I live in Los Angeles, bitch. I don't have to go to Big Tokyo. I live in a heroic struggling fantasy of myself and I can go to Little Frakking Anywhere.
27) I am gonna root like hell for the Orioles. Mainly because I like The Wire.
