12.30.2004

things i should be doing right now

- not blogging
- re-editing the Mongoloid's wrestling video
- finishing recut of TA91
- writing this totally wonderful new screenplay; the Hollywood Reporter informs me that screenplays about original superheros not from actual comic books are hot right now (the Hollywood Reporter is one of those magazines from which you can actually absorb the full content of a single issue in about 26 seconds by just scanning for key words).
- re-writing some old plays so they will be totally wonderful
- planning/packing for move out of apartment

Instead, I am writing this, and thinking fondly of the two Top Dogs I ate while visiting the hometown over this last Xmas weekend. I had a couple Pink's dogs from the casino today to try to recapture the satisfaction, but it just wasn't the same. Top Dogs are grilled and juicy and alive. Pink's dogs are steamed and soft, and while there's something great about that chili goop that they smear onto it, the lingering feeling afterwards is one of intestinal pain rather than inner peace.

12.14.2004

Ocean's 12 (a hip sequel by me)

EXT. EUROPE IN ALL ITS GLORY - DAY

Twelve movie stars sit around, acting.

ANDY GARCIA: I want my money back, so I can have more money for you to steal in the third movie.

CASEY AFFLECK: So we each have to pay you back 17 million dollars? Dude, I only have like 5 million dollars.

ELIOT GOULD: I have millions of millions of dollars. How many millions do you need to finance the job?

BRAD PITT: We only need 3 million dollars worth of clothes, hotel suites, computers, and massive underground construction arrays to steal the thing that's worth 2.5 million dollars.

MATT DAMON: Man, these are totally problems I could deeply relate to back when I had like, no millions of dollars.

GEORGE CLOONEY: I remember when I had no millions of dollars. But I was still dead sexy!

BERNIE MAC: What, exactly is my role in the stealing of these white-ass objects of Eurocentric antiquity from all these white-ass institutions so as to save everybody's white asses?

DON CHEADLE: In Europe, culture supercedes race. So instead of the Black guy with no plot function, I can be the British guy with no plot function.

THE CHINESE GUY: Wo men "people of color" zou ba.

The Chinese Guy stuffs his head into his own crotch. All the male leads help correct his technique. Bernie Mac chills in jail.

STEVEN SODERBERGH: I took a shot of a plane flying sideways! Yippee!

BRUCE WILLIS: (to dommah) If you bloggers are so smart, how come we already got your $10.50? How come the dead people movie did $600 million worldwide? I guess we're a little bit smarter than you non-millionaires after all, aren't we?

JULIA ROBERTS: Hey! I have a demand for how to end the movie. Let's play some poker!

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: Yeah! I hear it's all the rage with the kids. I mean, the idiots.

Pause. The Chinese Guy swallows his own pelvis.

BRAD PITT: Yup.

THE END.

12.13.2004

Under Pressure

...is the name of the Queen cover band that played the casino yesterday, opening up for Led Zepagain. They ROCKED. The best thing that has happened at the casino, ever. Also one of the only times I've been at the casino where I was in an Asian minority. I'm not sure who the hell those people in the audience were, actually. There were a good hundred of them at least, young, old, white, black, brown, wheelchaired, definitely not the casino's core clientele. Maybe poker players, which would explain their dull smiling emotionless reactions. From a band POV it was probably a terrible gig, but that just enhanced rock n roll majesty for me. It was one of those moments when I realized that all I really need out of LA is to find a friend who understands why seeing a band of what were probably undemployed actors in scruffy black wigs harmonizing on "Fat Bottom Girls" in front of a stonefaced multiethnic crowd in a casino ballroom is really what living the good life is all about.

12.12.2004

list item #17

17. A set of those cool CD turntables so I can start my third half-assed career as a DJ.
....You know how all over LA people get paid to do things you wouldn't think people got paid to do? Well, paying someone to play records that everybody knows without breaks in between them is one thing (because that is hard to do when you're drunk) but paying someone to play records that they like but don't particularly contribute to the mood of the party, basically, just, like, sucks. There should be some sort of licensing test for DJs. Also visual artists. Also Colombian assassins. (I'm drunk.)

12.07.2004

list item #16

16. A nationwide ban on the phrase "emotional truth."

12.05.2004

what i want for xmas

World peace, aid for the needy, solace for the sick, a different president, blah blah blah, but the really gratifying material items to have would be:
1. A fuzzy hat because it is so freaking cold in LA right now.
2. A 12" Mac Ibook.
3. One of those things that crushes the little extra bits of soap in your shower into one condensed, usable soap ball.
4. New glasses. (If only that wasn't something I actually have to get my lazy ass to get for myself.)
5. Someone to help me or force me to do the last freaking cut of TA91 because I know everything that needs to be done but cannot get myself to do it (see disclaimer to item 5).
6. A single excuse to switch to Working Assets' cell phone service and free myself from the Cingularseholes. There are already plenty of good ones. One person confirming that they've actually made a cell phone call on the Working Assets network would do it.
7. Quality time with friends. This is not one of those general-fruity-happiness list items. It's something I want for my Own Personal Satistfaction, Damn It.
8. A big plasma TV. Also an electric car, while I'm winning-the-lottery-in-my-mind. Smiley face.
9. Socks.
10. A Vietnamese Sandwich place to open somewhere near my apartment.
11. The Star Wars DVDs.
12. An investor for my next movie.
13. Sleep aid drugs.
14. Some interesting new flavor of chewing gum.
15. Back issues of the original "Micronauts" Marvel comic book.

...having made this list, I feel like a pretty lucky devil to be found wanting of only such frivolous and cosmetic things. But hey, I still want them.

12.01.2004

to paraphrase my old Greek friend Tasho...

Got in the car. Stuck in traffic on the 101 for an hour. Felt like shit.
Got to work. Ate a salad. Felt much better.