8.31.2005

i am against the government regulating art

....but there really should be a federal task force to eliminate the show "Entourage." Damn does that show suck. I watched it because I was happy to see an actor I know has a pretty good supporting role in it. But the show itself, oh my god. Retarded stupid awful. Out of all the classist money-whore scumbag shows out there right now, and there are a lot, it's probably the worst. Because people on the show say things like...

"I could live with her in a one-bedroom apartment in Chatsworth and be happy. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true."

....If someone actually said that to me, I would reply, "No. That doesn't sound crazy. But the fact that you could think a happy life in a one-bedroom apartment sounds crazy? Hold on a second." And then I would get in my car and run over them. And back up over them. And then find all that person's poser friends, freeze-dry them and feed them to undernourished kids in Africa.

Another actual exchange of dialog:
"Do you think he bought it?"
"Hook line and sinker!"

No One Actually Says That. I am around a lot of career liars, and never after speaking a lie do they turn to a friend and ask "dyou think he bought it?" And even if that did happen once or twice in human history, the friend did not reply "Hook, line, and sinker." Because human beings do not say things like that. Possibly someone would say that if they were a brain-dead wannabe actor monkey whose every utterance is a poorly-chosen pop culture reference or a bad bit of movie dialog. But those people are not human beings. They are not even amusing idiots. They are just worthless non-fishing chumps who somehow have their own show called Entourage.

8.30.2005

even in dreamland, chaste

I had a dream I was going to have >ahem< let's call it a reckless carnal encounter with an archetypal 20ish blonde girl....yknow, the type of person who is just beating down my door in real life...which is funny because usually my erotic phantasma involve people I at least sort of know, ANYWAY, there are three people lying in this bed, and me and the girl are about to embark on carnality, but then I feel kind of bad because there's this other guy in the bed and I think maybe he likes her too or else why are we all sleeping in a bed together? So I back off a bit.

In that moment of hesitation, the whole dream changed. I'm thinking, let's just go to another room. But we can't go to another room because my sister arrives. And then my mother. Just as quickly they disappear, and are replaced by a couple of my good friends, whom I'm ordinarily very happy to see. And then there is word of some sort of contagious medical crisis and we have to go to the Salvation Army and buy supplies before we leave town. Unnamed idealized cheerleader girl is still along for the ride and there is still the vague idea that a tryst is going to happen once we're all settled. But then someone in our ragtag crew has to go shopping so we have to wait for him.

Then, seriously, zombies attack. Mass chaos erupts. People in the streets, setting fire to buildings. We have to run away and jump into a truck as radioactive lumbering beasts are clawing at us. We speed away in the truck, hoping that it has enough gas to get us out of the city. Around this time I'm thinking that Melrose Place girl and I are never going to have a private moment and I should've just bitten the bullet when I had the chance.

Then I woke up. Really, it was like "The 40-Year Old Virgin" crossed with "28 Days Later." A big, fat, encoded, neo-Freudian mofo of a dream.

8.22.2005

sometimes i decorate myself in depression
because it's easier than the other thing
depression is different from frustration
frustration is when that thing you could be accomplishing keeps not happening
depression is when that thing that will never happen keeps not happening
and i like to think that
depression is a luxury for
people who have done something

wee poem redux

speak up
now is the time to ruin everything
in a minute
the freeways of L.A. will laugh
at the idea of intimacy

i drive home in a hybrid
the braking system is so clever
it recovers the unfinished
surges in my step,
the unfollowed flourishes

medically safe and sound
with a heart barely buoyed by
strategic desperation
except inside i'm seasick
stomach full of conversation
inside i'm lightning
like metal in the microwave

the timing is perfect
we are both alive.

8.19.2005

bloggerpost

discussion over yesterday's bloggerpost made me want to clarify something....

If this blog has a theme besides TA91, me, complaining, snarkiness, casinos, film industry satire and gooey poems, I HOPE that it is this: you are the target audience for an ongoing corporate acquisition of the human race. And when I say "acquisition" I mean something like "homogenization/subjugation/stupidification."

OK I guess that is a lot of themes for one blog. But anyway, the argument goes something like this;

Language is an imperfect means of communication but it's the only one we have.
So controlling language is a significant part of controlling humans.
All corporations want their product to occupy space in your brain, so that not only do you buy it, you think about it in a certain way and you associate it with positive satisfaction of your needs.
The easiest way to do this is to create a brand.
The most effective way to do this is to have your brand name replace a neutral word in the language. Like how some people say "Kleenex" instead of facial tissue. "Kleenex" is a brand name, not a thing. So anytime people use this word, they're associating it with the brand and giving free advertising.
This is a form of controlling language towards the end of selling more product.
Altho it seems that Apple didn't invent the term "podcast," whoever did either works for The Man or is a big jerk.
Because "podcasts" could exist without Ipods. But the word implies that they could not. And that your ability to get or make podcasts is somehow counterfeit if you aren't participating in the Ipod I-bullshit experience. Which is not true.
So to sum up, anytime a brand name replaces a word in the English language, I think something bad is happening.

Did I mention that I love Macs? They're SOOOO much better than PCs! :)

8.18.2005

isn't it ironic....

....That Chloe Sevigny and Rosario Dawson from "Kids" are kinda big movie stars now, and the two boys who played the sexual predator male leads who made their lives such hell are not?

....That webcasts are now called podcasts? (that's not ironic really, but it is silly)

....That owning a thing called an "Ipod" or anything these days that starts with "I-" or "My-" means you are just like everyone else?

....That Cingular and AT&T merged to form the AllOver network. As it, "It's all over now, human race." (i guess that's only ironic because it's called "Cingular")

....That I was going to light a candle for the fallen dead in Iraq last night, but ended up writing about Scarlett Johannsson instead?

....That the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim translates into The The Angels Angels of Anaheim?

....That in the beginning of "Kids" Chloe Sevigny's character goes, "I HATE sucking d--k," and look what happened to her with that nice Vincent Gallo fellow. (the theme here is that "Kids" is an Ironic-ass movie)

....That as art, specifically movies, get worse and worse, marketing schemes get better and criticism more relativistic and slavering, so it is easy to gain the impression that art is actually better now that it ever has been before? (Spider-Man 2)

....That nerds are no longer bookworms....bookworms are now really, really strange.

....That VH1 used to be the female-oriented MTV and now it is the let's-make-lists-of-hot-chicks-and-zoom-in-on-stills-of-their-boobs-while-some-geek-makes-extremely-deadpan-comment channel, whereas MTV seems...actually a little...I dunno...progressive? (i'm not sure, 'cause these days I mainly watch VH1)

8.14.2005

and you know you're in really bad shape when...

...the video for the frickin Bright Eyes song with all the couples in love on the same couch gives you that swelled up feeling like your heartsac is full of rainwater.

I mean it didn't get me in When Harry Met Sally. And the song is not that great. But in terms of ordinary-looking people looking overcome with love, it's a minor editing feat.

This suceptibility to corny/anthemic music is getting bad. I may have to have this checked.

By the by, that new Gay Cable Channel LOGO, on which I saw the above-mentioned Hedwig-directed weepy video, is great. How can you not love a channel whose programming consists entirely of obscure indie films, musicals, and the occasional Erasure video?

8.13.2005

Songs for Getting the Heck Out of This Town

Today I made myself a CD mix for the commute to and from work that was so satisfying I was almost weeping in the car.
...I have pretty cheezy taste in music, I'll admit. Altho I like to think I have a fairly diversified knowledge of musical genres, in my heart's soundtrack I am a sucker for major key melodies, suspended chords, 1-4-5 bubblegum poppy epiphany. Like, anything from Van Halen to Roxette to the Carpenters to gooey Asian pop can get me on a regular basis. While I appreciate the subtleties of more sophisticated music, sometimes the melody line of a Stevie Wonder ballad is just too interesting to really get under my skin. And I'm not much into those minor-key hooks that have infected the world in a thousand recent compulsively-listenable dance-pop songs, "Can't Get You Outta My Head" ad nauseum. They are catchy to other people in a way that I don't get.
...Anyway, I was thinking about this as I was nearly-teary over my new mix and realized that I had put 4 or 5 songs in a row with highly similar, tastelessly simple, pop-rock choruses. "Yellow", T'pau's "Heart and Soul," some unforgivably corny Counting Crows song...anyway, a sequence that almost certainly makes the mix unlistenable to most normal humans, even those that would like hearing one of those songs at a time. But that's OK because I wouldn't want a lot of other people to have my taste in music, lest we all die of diabetic shock. And plus, as I've blogged before, it's My Car and in its lonely confines I can listen to Any Damn Thing I Want.
...It's a sad and pathetic thing to realize, but those popular, formulaic, ditzy songs indulge my delusion that I'm part of some greater heroic narrative in the course of my day-to-day getting by in Los Angeles, and that my long-suffering struggle against Whatever is always approaching its climactic moment (to occur roughly halfway through the guitar solo).

8.10.2005

funniest exchange overheard at work today

A: "My friend, you wanna bank with me?"
B: "No."
A: "How much?"

You have to understand the culture of kum-kum banking in Cali casinos to appreciate why this is funny. Or actually you don't. An equivalent dialogue would be something like,

A: "Hey you wanna go on a date with me?"
B: "No."
A: "When should I pick you up?"

...but it's funnier than that really, because it's in this environs where everyone lies and no one listens to each other and...oh forget it.

...the other funny exchange which I almost forgot:

A: "Today is Chinese Father's Day."
B: "Really? I didn't know there was a Chinese Father's Day."
A: "It's today."
B: "Happy Chinese Father's Day. Is there a Chinese Mother's Day?"
A: "No."

8.06.2005

traffic jam in los angeles at night

Driving home, the 5 North is jammed. Anomalous. Traffic should happen during the day. There's some kind of construction ahead that has closed all but the far left lane. Weird human sounds like teenagers on a roller coaster coming from somewhere...is there a rave going on underneath the overpass? Seeing the details of the freeway scenery at this hour is strange....I usually pass them so quickly. Never really appreciate that there are plants growing on the shoulder, giant concrete tongues arcing under and over each other, with strange acoustic pockets that form a cone of silence for a few car-lengths, then lurch forward a bit and all the cars in the distance (the ones that were smart enough to take the 101) sound like ghostly blitzkrieg fighters wailing through the night. The headlights are warm, hovering. The Ford Explorer in front of me is playing some kind of game with the car in front of it. Their driver door opens for a minute and then shuts. Sharp white light flashes inside....a camera or a video game, maybe. The Explorer irritates everyone for awhile as it waffles over whether or not to exit on 7th and the precise point where the pylons are merging us into one lane. People honking behind me, I have the sudden absurd fear that a gunfight is going to break out. I keep hearing that weird ecastic rollercoaster screaming fading in and out of earshot. The Explorer exits, the honking stops, and then it's mysterious quiet again, the engine hums melting into one low white noise. Feels oddly harmonious, this. Moving incrementally in little surges, tectonically, as things should move on the Earth. I feel a little happy that the speeder idiots are being stifled. We're all in this morass together. We hypnotize each other with our lights. We all get into that one lane eventually.

8.05.2005

dim sum should open earlier

Was up all night and hoped desperately that there would be a dim sum restaurant that opened for business early so that I could get some tender dumplings and rice noodles with shrimp before calling it a night. I got to the Empress Pavilion at around 6 AM, got to see Chinatown basking in the lovely dawn light, and inflicted my best bad Chinese upon a local only to find out that the place doesn't open til 9. Doh. To bed now, the grim knowledge reinforced that if I ever want to have dim sum again I will actually have to wake up in the morning to get it.

8.02.2005

i tell ya

....as soon as there's a way for people to play online poker on their cell phones, Western Civilization is pretty much over.

8.01.2005

X-MEN 3 (An upcoming crappy sequel by me)

EXT. X-SCHOOL - DAY

The X-Men sit around waiting for Dark Phoenix to arrive.

WOLVERINE: I'm the best there is at what I do, but I....I....I've forgotten my lines.

The director keeps filming regardless, hoping for a bit of Chris Tucker-esque divinely inspired improvised screeching.

CYCLOPS: We have lines? I was acting with my eyes.

The director finds an angle on Cyclops that makes him look most like Tom Cruise.

FRASIERBEAST: It was my understanding that the only important thing was to get $10 out of the sucker fan base.

The director, distracted by the sight of a passing Asian woman, lets this alarmingly candid insight stay in the film.

ROGUE: Don't y'all forgit DVD sales! I garun-damn-tee ya there'll be lines on the DVD extras!

The director indicates his faithfulness to the fans by having Rogue speak with a ridiculous accent.

CYCLOPS: Man, Jean's just so, y'know, dead. Life is a bummer. Let's go fight Magneto.

The X-Men travel somewhere. The director indicates this by having a shot of a plane moving left to right across the screen.

EXT. MAGNETO'S ISLAND LAIR - NIGHT

Professor X and Magneto debate future of Mutantkind.

PROFESSOR X: Say what you want, all the mutant movies have made money.

MAGNETO: They are obviously mediocre.

PROFESSOR X: MIddle America wants to see mutants. They want mutant cheerleaders, mutant funny dwarves, mutant retarded whores with hearts of gold....

MAGNETO: Have you tinkered with their minds, Charles? Made them believe that they want films made by talent agents and focus groups?

PROFESSOR X: MADE MONEY! MADE MONEY! HELL-OOOO....

Magneto staples the Professor's mouth closed.

EXT. THE SURFACE OF THE SUN - (NIGHT?)

Onslaught and Dark Phoenix sit atop Asteroid M, getting stoned.

DARK PHOENIX: Heeeyyy...I can move this rock....with my mind....!

ONSLAUGHT: Dood, this has been a TERRIBLE year for the U.S. box office.

DARK PHOENIX: I read that. Like, 60,000 times. With my mind.

ONSLAUGHT: Do you think that just because Hollywood has the best PR and publicists in the world, it's right that they should make headlines about how their crappy movies aren't making enough money as if it is some sort of national tragedy?

DARK PHOENIX (weeping uncontrollably): It's so sad....first the genocide in Darfur, then "Kingdom of Heaven" underperforms...WHAT NEXT?!

ONSLAUGHT: I think I'll destroy the world.

DARK PHOENIX: With my MIND.

Onslaught and Dark Phoenix attack, killing all the X-Men. Comic book fans know, however, that this is a good thing.

FADE OUT.