1. "I love women." What the hell does that even mean? Everyone loves women. How could you love all women? You think it's some sort of strange condition that you love women? You think it's an interesting thing about you? It is not, because loving women is a very common thing. What you mean is you are pathologically interested in having sex with as many women as possible, but for some reason you say this other thing.
2. "He looks lonely." He does not look lonely. You have no idea what a lonely person looks like. You want to go talk to the tall hottie who is brooding in a corner, playing the I'm-complicated-and-hard-to-get game that he learned from a Pickup Artist technique book. You're walking away from an actually lonely person to go talk to a player. Fine. Say that. Don't tell me that he looks lonely and you're going to go fix that because you're such a nice person you solve all the problems of the lonely people in the world. Fuck that. If you care so much about people being lonely, stay here with me. "Didn't think so." - Louis C.K.
3. "..., period." What, you ended all human communication with that period? That period means you are right? All your preceding words are empirical truth because you said "period"? "Cats are avocados, period." Um, still not true. Period.
4. "It was pretty epic." NOTHING is "pretty epic." "Pretty" is what you say to soften a superlative so you don't sound too gushing. Describing something as "pretty epic" is like saying it is "somewhat above average." Actually, nothing that is not a trilogy is in any way epic. Just stop saying "epic." Pretty please.
5. "I am/am not in a relationship/hanging out/fucking/dating/together with [insert person's name] but I am/am not serious/monogamous/committed/married to...." People, it does not matter what label you are labeling your relationship this week. It is an INCREDIBLY boring thing to talk about. Because it ends up meaning nothing. You're engaged this week, next week you're in an open relationsomething. You feel the need to give constant updates on the label of the relationship, not the actual things that are happening. The actions are the only thing that matter. The two of you are having wild sex but not talking about your relationships with your fathers; fine, say that. Don't try to label "what that is" or "what that is not" because it's completely fucking subjective and meaningless. The two of you will not even agree on the label, so why should anyone else care? The only kind of relationship status is, you're looking for someone or you aren't. Nothing else means anything, including marriage. Why? Because if you're the person who is currently looking for someone, the fact that you call yourself married or casual or poly or whatever, it doesn't matter.
Btw, the overused "it's complicated" is less awful than the fussy relationship-labeling, since it usually IS, in fact, complicated. However, the specific reasons why it is complicated, unless they involve actual murder or incest, are also, to the outsider, utterly dull.
6. "I'm keeping negative energy out of my life." Are you keeping negative ions out of your life? Because there are a lot of those around. Who started this crazy idea that you can shun negativity and still be a person? Life is yin-yang, man, it's not some always-ascending happy bubble full of compliments and validation and rainforest noises.
7. "I deserve better." True, but so did Anne Frank. No one gets any nice thing because they deserve it, ever.
8. "Let's play it by ear." NO, LET'S NOT.
9. "Let me know." Huh? I JUST DID. I'm sorry that absorbing clearly-written or -spoken information is not as fun as texting "What's the address???" four minutes before the event starts.
10. "Dating sucks." Oh, and staring at the ceiling waiting for a magical angel to fall through it is like so much better.
11. "I'm open to dating all kinds of people." White people with tattoos and white people without tattoos are not two different kinds of people. If you really are that open-minded, prove it. Make a list with an attractive example of Every Kind Of Person In The World whom you would be open to dating. If your list gets past number 27 because you have included all major race groups, genders, and body types and have started to differentiate through the Kinds Of People in individual Southeast Asian nations, then I will concede that you have really thought this through.
12. "I love Asians/Black men/musicians/Croatians..." STOP SAYING YOU LOVE AN UNDIFFERENTIATED MASS OF PEOPLE, that is creepy and horrible.
13. "Do you have anything that I can eat at this party? / I can't eat that." What you mean is, "I have a serious allergy to that specific food item and will go into anaphylactic shock." Oh, you don't? Well then, eat what is fucking made available to you because there's someone who would kill for that food. "I can't eat that," give me a break, food hipsters. You're a human, you can eat anything. The fact that you're dietarily choosing not to eat it is some kind of personal #firstworldproblem self-importance issue that has nothing to do with the actual biosphere.
14. "We're living in a post-racial / post-patriarchal [anything]" NO, NO, NO.
15. "You've got that sexy [insert lame sexy reference] thing going on." Jeez, where do these dudes learn to speak? There are like a million ways that you can drop the word "sexy" into conversation without sounding like such an objectifying creep. Seriously, stay at home and just come up with ten ways and recite them to yourself, alone. (That's what I do.)
16. "I hope she finds someone." You honestly have a part of your brain that hopes Jennifer Aniston/Taylor Swift will find someone? Jeez, maybe you are a truly nice person and I'm the a-hole.
17. "It's fun because it's a part of the game." Are you insane? What is fun about this game of lying, cheating, coercing, scamming, pining, betrayal, fighting over people, misrepresenting yourself, getting stalked, getting rejected, misinterpreting everything that anyone literally says because it's part of a "game"? It is fun if you are WINNING at it, that is, achieving the goal of satisfying the biological urge for companionship; but, like Monopoly, it is a game that is not fun just to play for its own sake. For a lot of us. Because there are not actually "a lot of fish in the sea." (Don't ever say that saying, either. That's the worst.)
#iloveeverybody
Btw, the overused "it's complicated" is less awful than the fussy relationship-labeling, since it usually IS, in fact, complicated. However, the specific reasons why it is complicated, unless they involve actual murder or incest, are also, to the outsider, utterly dull.
6. "I'm keeping negative energy out of my life." Are you keeping negative ions out of your life? Because there are a lot of those around. Who started this crazy idea that you can shun negativity and still be a person? Life is yin-yang, man, it's not some always-ascending happy bubble full of compliments and validation and rainforest noises.
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| People, being happy, with music and balloons, not saying horrible things. |
7. "I deserve better." True, but so did Anne Frank. No one gets any nice thing because they deserve it, ever.
8. "Let's play it by ear." NO, LET'S NOT.
9. "Let me know." Huh? I JUST DID. I'm sorry that absorbing clearly-written or -spoken information is not as fun as texting "What's the address???" four minutes before the event starts.
10. "Dating sucks." Oh, and staring at the ceiling waiting for a magical angel to fall through it is like so much better.
11. "I'm open to dating all kinds of people." White people with tattoos and white people without tattoos are not two different kinds of people. If you really are that open-minded, prove it. Make a list with an attractive example of Every Kind Of Person In The World whom you would be open to dating. If your list gets past number 27 because you have included all major race groups, genders, and body types and have started to differentiate through the Kinds Of People in individual Southeast Asian nations, then I will concede that you have really thought this through.
12. "I love Asians/Black men/musicians/Croatians..." STOP SAYING YOU LOVE AN UNDIFFERENTIATED MASS OF PEOPLE, that is creepy and horrible.
13. "Do you have anything that I can eat at this party? / I can't eat that." What you mean is, "I have a serious allergy to that specific food item and will go into anaphylactic shock." Oh, you don't? Well then, eat what is fucking made available to you because there's someone who would kill for that food. "I can't eat that," give me a break, food hipsters. You're a human, you can eat anything. The fact that you're dietarily choosing not to eat it is some kind of personal #firstworldproblem self-importance issue that has nothing to do with the actual biosphere.
14. "We're living in a post-racial / post-patriarchal [anything]" NO, NO, NO.
15. "You've got that sexy [insert lame sexy reference] thing going on." Jeez, where do these dudes learn to speak? There are like a million ways that you can drop the word "sexy" into conversation without sounding like such an objectifying creep. Seriously, stay at home and just come up with ten ways and recite them to yourself, alone. (That's what I do.)
16. "I hope she finds someone." You honestly have a part of your brain that hopes Jennifer Aniston/Taylor Swift will find someone? Jeez, maybe you are a truly nice person and I'm the a-hole.
17. "It's fun because it's a part of the game." Are you insane? What is fun about this game of lying, cheating, coercing, scamming, pining, betrayal, fighting over people, misrepresenting yourself, getting stalked, getting rejected, misinterpreting everything that anyone literally says because it's part of a "game"? It is fun if you are WINNING at it, that is, achieving the goal of satisfying the biological urge for companionship; but, like Monopoly, it is a game that is not fun just to play for its own sake. For a lot of us. Because there are not actually "a lot of fish in the sea." (Don't ever say that saying, either. That's the worst.)
#iloveeverybody
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