Showing posts with label film. Show all posts
Showing posts with label film. Show all posts

20 Thoughts On Rewatching BATMAN V SUPERMAN By Myself


1) JESUS CHRIST, MY CHILDHOOD, MY INNOCENCE. WHAT DID I GIVE IT TO? THIS ATROCITY, THIS GROTESQUE ORGY OF INFANTILE MASCULINE POSTURING? COMIC BOOKS ARE HELLA STUPID.

2) Okay, dude, it's just a movie. 

3) Hans Zimmer almost saves the day with a cohesive score combining the Batman and Man of Steel themes and introducing a bracing, percussion-heavy theme for Wonder Woman/The Trinity (which slightly recalls the theme music to both the '60s Batman TV show and the Wonder Woman TV show). 

空オーケストラ写真

Here's a playlist featuring short teasers & trailers for the karaoke-themed unscripted drama (that's the official way of saying reality show) I've been working on. It has a cool Japanese codename until we figure out what the final title is.



If you would like to support this sort of thing, financially, through social media, or with artistic/filmmaking resources, please get in touch with me. I can say with confidence it is going to be the Star Wars Episode 7 of karaoke-themed unscripted dramas.

Jessika Fett and Boyd Hastings in a scene from A Piece Of Me.


14 Reasons You Don't Want To See This Stupid "Endless Love" Movie On Stupid Valentine's Day

So for whatever reason I saw a preview of this movie Endless Love that is coming out today, on Valentine's Day 2014. I want to encourage you all, if you have plans to see it tonight, to abort those plans. Romantically speaking, you'd be better off re-watching Silver Linings Playbook. Spoiler alert.

1. It steals everything that can be stolen from the far-superior teen romance film Say Anything, mainly the plot.
There's a girl with good grades who doesn't have any friends. A dude from the wrong side of the tracks has a crush on her. Despite his friends' warnings, he pursues her. There's a wild graduation party which validates her and makes her feel one with the normal kids. He has dinner with the family and the dad interrogates him awkwardly. Her dad has a dark secret. The big problem is she is going away to a fancy school at the end of the summer. They eventually end up on a plane. The only plot beat that deviates from Say Anything at all is the part where a house catches fire, and the main characters are, unfortunately, not consumed by an inferno.

2. It steals actual dialogue from Say Anything.
Before they make love for the first time, it's raining or cold or something, and the gal says,"You're shaking." He replies, "Good shaking." This is basically exactly what they say in the car-consummation scene in Say Anything, except somehow in Cameron Crowe's film it conveyed a true moment of happiness, and in Endless Love 2014 it is just some crap that two idiots say before hooking up.

3. The screenplay was written by someone who has never loved anyone.
The movie is not even about love, exactly. It is much more about gender role definition via the Cosmo/Details magazine school of male/female fantasy ideals. The guy is handsome and tall; complicated without being intelligent; deferent but he punches anyone who disrespects his girl; good with cars. The girl is blonde and rich, and that's pretty much all we know about her. (We are asked to believe that she is smart because her father pulls strings to get her into medical school.)

4. The writer of the original novel doesn't like it.
Scott Spencer, author of the novel Endless Love (credited as the source material for this film as well as the 1981 Endless Love, starring Brooke Shields and Who Gives A Hoot) writes eloquently on what happens when Hollywood makes your book into two movies in The Paris Review.

5. It stars a British guy doing an American accent who has a black sidekick doing an Ebonic accent.
We know the hero's okay because his best friend is black and funny and is named "Mace." He also is a good singer and dancer and way more charismatic than the lead character. Somehow, Mace does not die. But neither does he truly live.

6. It is kind of white privilegey.
It is a white-privileged idea that love can include pursuing a girl to the point of stalking, and she will somehow interpret it as dedication. I mean, this also happens in Say Anything, but there it's more cute.

7. The music is terrible. 
The song "Endless Love" doesn't happen. "In Your Eyes" doesn't happen. Honestly I would've settled for a song from fucking Dawson's Creek.

8. It isn't enough about the two fathers. 
The only potentially interesting part of this flick is the conflict between the two fathers, played by Bruce Greenwood and Robert Patrick, a.k.a. Captain Pike vs. the T-1000. Here are two men, caught between the indignant stupidity of their children and their own personal grief, who must make hard decisions regarding the future of their families. You could make a good movie about that. Or you could make Endless Love.

9. The two lead actors are way too pretty.
They are that kind of pretty that is not even good-looking. They are like schematics for how to draw a person. After a while you kind of want to shoot them.

10. It gives you really bad advice for life.
Many films perpetrate the convenient idea that "you must fight for love, because love is all that matters." A good film makes you believe it. Looking at you, Slumdog Millionaire.

11. At one point there is a joke where the dad confuses Hulu for Uber.
It's cute until you realize that this will be the high point of witticism for the entire movie.

12. It will make you angry at women.
Because evidently all women want is a dull hunk of meat who will punch their dad.

13. It will make you angry at men.
Because apparently all men want is the bland rich girl they never talked to in high school.

14. Because, love.
Love is still important, as Michael Jackson said. ("Love, L-O-V-E.") Love deserves films like Say Anything and Wall-E and Punch-Drunk Love and Love Actually and Broadcast News. Love is a thing that happens between people, not Hollywood-composite perfect-hair androids. So, in the name of love, let Endless Love bomb.

I Am So Going to Beat the Shit Out of This Weekend.

You heard me. That's what's up. Yeah, it's a pretty big weekend. So what? It's got knees and eyes like everybody else. Here are the 27 ways in which I'm going to beat the shit out of this weekend.

1)  I'm gonna watch the recap of Game 5 of the Giants vs. Reds about 100 times in the solitary comfort of my cute Hollywood apartment. I'm going to loopily enjoy the beauty of Posey's grand slam, Pagan's catch, Crawford's dive, Panda's Pandaness, Cain's cool.

2)  I'm going to get a fat load of Twitter followers for @Phearchannel and @Thorhulkcritic and a bunch of Youtube subscribers for Paranormalstatus.com. Because every weekend starts with #Follow #Fucking #Friday, baby! HELL YEAH. POUR IT.

3)  Gonna write up a proposal and treatment for a new rock musical, because that's one of the things in life I kick bloody ass at. No I'm not gonna write no flipping script. Who reads, or follows, or understands, or gets hard from flipping scripts? TREATMENT, MAN.

4)  Gonna edit a cute cat video. And post that shit. That's right.

5)  I am gonna hound LA Weekly until they correct the spelling of chashu in their supposedly-hip ramen capsule review. It's not char siu, dude. Char siu is Chinese and not in ramen and also not pronounceable in Japanese. If you're gonna have the gig of reviewing the best Asian cuisine in America and feel compelled to hiply print words in the language, try to get it right. It's only the languages of about 2 billion people or so.

6)  I am so going to totally forget about every woman I have ever strongly liked. At least, I am going to forget that I like them. Because clearly that shit gets you nowhere, buddy.

7)  I will overcome every socio-racial disadvantage I have ever whined about by temporarily turning into a white dude. Gals will feel that they are supposed to throw the sex on me because of every movie and TV show they have ever seen, despite the fact that I am of only medium height. I don't give a pho.

8)  I will exploit a new area of socio-racial advantage by turning into an Asian woman and getting a great writing job, beating out many other qualified applicants on a questionable unspoken basis, which is that everybody likes Asian women. Yeah, I said it. Sue me.

9)  I will hook up with a very intelligent funny girl with three boobs. When I say I just want to cuddle, she goes, "Damn! That's awesome! That's not biologically repulsive at all!"

10)  Fuckin' gonna buy a blanket and some envelopes, too. And maybe some socks. And gonna pull a box of crap out of my car and organize that crap. You darn tooting. That's how we do.

11)  Why? Because I Want It That Way. BOOM.

12)  Somehow amongst all this business I'm gonna fit in a fucking epic nap.

13)  I am hell of going to that Peruvian restaurant to have a big fat plate of lomo saltado and see if they got a causa rellena. 
14)  Gonna see the shit out of Looper, because that guy is the best director working. He is so awesome he had a cute Asian girl sidekick in his second film and it was not extremely creepy and stupid.  Amended because I did see Looper, which was a fine film except for the part which had every Asian female film stereotype ever documented. Hey white boys! Keep fucking up! The love of a mute Chinese woman will save you! And then she will die and you will have a reason to live/murder children. (I'm not making that up to be tacky, that is the plot of the movie,)

15)  I'm gonna have a few cocktails with vodka in 'em. Maybe a fruit-flavored vodka. What? You wanna tussle?

16)  Will memorize all the words to "Geto Superstar," just because it is mentally possible to do so.

17)  I'm going to find Mitt Romney and personally beat the shit out of him. Because he is not now and is never going to be president, so making that kind of threat idly is always going to be legally permissible.

18)  I'm gonna watch some football while doing a hard workout, just to ensure that I can still be effortlessly crushed by any of those guys.

19)  I'm gonna stare at my goddamn phone like a boss. 

20)  I am going to write a poem or a song about you.

21)  I am hell of not gonna get married, or have a baby, or post pictures of my food. Because I like to believe I still stand for something.

22)  I am gonna find out what is up with my Internet connection and beat the shit out of it.

23)  Everyone is going to be so impressed by all the shit-beating-out-of which I will ostensibly accomplish this weekend, they are all gonna subscribe to paranormalstatus.com and also start a kickstarter campaign with the singular goal of raising $2.6 million dollars to dump straight on to my big head. Then I will be exposed to a radioactive cloud and gain fucking superpowers.

24)  I'm gonna enjoy the crap out of some rain.

25)  I'm going to make a page for a fictional character on Facebook and then BEFRIEND IT. Yeah!

26)  I'mma hit up a sexy birthday party in Little Tokyo. Because I live in Los Angeles, bitch. I don't have to go to Big Tokyo. I live in a heroic struggling fantasy of myself and I can go to Little Frakking Anywhere.

27)   I am gonna root like hell for the Orioles.  Mainly because I like The Wire.

20 Thoughts While Watching a Chinese Bootleg of The Avengers 37 Times Over the Weekend


1. The imperfections in Whedon's writing make his work even more wonderful in this soulless focus-grouped time. Some jokes are contrived, the Galaga reference is super-dated, and no one, even evil aliens, should use the actual phrase, "cowering wretches." But the glitches, to be sure, are human mistakes, not marketing miscalculations, and through them you can see the mind at work, a mind tasked with this inconceivable action/comedy/sci-fi/fantasy/origin/ensemble/mass appeal/fanboy problem of a story. And he clearly wants it to work.

2. Yeah, I'm watching a Chinese bootleg. So what, Marvel? I bought about 300 Avengers-related comics with cash money, back in the day when you were almost bankrupt, before you were a money-making juggernaut. I read those paper comics until they were falling apart at the binding, all so I could grow up to be a resource of Thanos information for my other friends who have real lives with girls and babies. I bought a single issue of A vs. X at ComicCon, just so I could feel one in my hand. So really, you can spot me the cost of one DVD.

3. Avengers could conceivably surpass Star Wars as the greatest nerd myth. And by myth I don't mean "something that Kari Byron busts." Star Wars reached a generation through a no-duh formula of heroic myth and archetypal characters within an exciting robust universe. Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter sort of have this, but are too stuck in sword and sorcery tropes to grab us with that freeing leap of imagination. The Avengers bring the Game of Throniness via Thor, but they also bring the sexy technology, modern-world intrigue, and most importantly, characters with rich, tactile histories, embedded in them by crafty writers over generations. (Harry Potter, expansive and voluminous though he is, was basically invented last Tuesday after a quick read through the Dungeons and Dragons Beginner's Manual. True fact.)

4. The relationship between Iron Man and Hulk is really cute. Savvy tweaking of the "Rich sexy guy coaches the loser egghead" bromance motif.

5. Scarlett Johansson does a very good job. She is with Maggie Q and Sigourney Weaver on a very short list of women actors who make you believe they're going into a fight with something at stake. (As opposed to say, Jennifer Garner, who aims a gun like she's deciding which latte to order.) Also nice is how Black Widow fights in a thigh-intensive style both Spider-y and Emma Peel-y. I can't say if she is speaking Russian well, but with that throaty voice she could sound good speaking Ewok. Leering aside, compare, for example, her part in that idiotic Island movie or even in Iron Man 2 with her tactically saucy work here; it's the difference between sexy and sexualized.

6. If the story is going to go on, they are gonna need a lot more out of Captain America. Cap is often kind of a dud on his own, and has always shined best as a guest star (since he is, at his most poignant, a kind of guest star in his own country). Hopefully before the next movie comes out, someone involved will read Daredevil #233, in which Cap shows up and is sullen and conflicted in an appealing Ryan Gosling-ish kind of way.

7. The Hulk is used to better effect here than in any Hulk iteration in Hulk history, a testament to Whedon's cleverness. Ruffalo's strained voice is a poem for every quiet man with a monster inside.

8. Thor...has always sucked, and within that limitation, Chris Hemsworth distinguishes himself just by maintaining the accent and gruffing out a few charming grunts and bellows. I mean, you do believe he is Thor, whatever Thor is.

9.  I like how Hawkeye spends a lot of time recovering his arrows, as if to mollify the funless people who will rightly point out that he shoots three thousand arrows out of his slim little Sharper Image quiver.

10. Iron Man is played by Downey Jr. with marvelous, uh, consistency. He's the Han Solo that could make the Supassing-Star-Wars thesis work. "Hey...it's me."

11. Whedon's sole weakness in his nerd storytelling skills is a penchant for generic mushy-faced alien/demons/villains that are underdesigned and no one cares about too much. We saw it in Buffy and in Astonishing X-Men (come on, we really needed to go to that whole planet with the skill-saw-fist guys?) It's fine here, since, as per Thanos, a lot of Avengers villains actually look like that.

12. That one big shot of zooming around the city, lingering on all the different Avengers fighting, is the greatest shot of the CGI-Replaces-Everything era. It's about as good as the Millennium Falcon flying through that swarm of TIE fighters in Return of the Jedi, which was the craziest shot of that SFX era.

13. Everyone, with the possible exception of Captain America (who, to be sure, is a medium actor in an unexciting role) gives a generous performance. Generous to us nerds. (Well, okay, Cap does make nerd boner with that "Got a suit?" line, but apart from that he's usually on the verge of exposing the invisible wires.) Downey Jr., Renner, and Johansson are all pretty big Hollywood people and have every reason to just put on the costume and phone it in, yet they all seem convincingly invested in, uh, saving the city from aliens. (If you need a template for "phoned in," meaning "functional but lifeless," see the performance of every actor in every X-Men film except for Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, and Ellen Page) A few false notes come from Samuel L. Jackson, who is probably just tired from being in a thousand movies.

14. They should have used the ubiquitous blue metal mesh from Spiderman and Superman's new outfits on Captain America, who actually wears chainmail in the comics, yet his movie outfit looks like it's made of felt or something. Weird.

15. It's classy, the festishy lingering in extreme close-up over the gear of the Avengers in the end credits. Someone definitely put a lot of work into making those practical props, and to both them and us gadget-heads, it's all important, the stitching on Cap's shield straps, the gears inside Hawkeye's arrowhead-dispenser, the shape of the cylinders on Black Widow's bracelets.

16. Whedon's appreciation for every movie that nerds like (from Star Trek to LOTR) maintains the movie at the perfect temperature of a little silly, but not stupefyingly stupid. That's all we want, Michael Bay, Brett Ratner, Zack Snyder. A movie that does not make us stupider.

17. On the other hand, as evident from small moments like Black Widow's innate terror at the threat of the Hulk emerging, or Iron Man's basic inability to shut up, Whedon is still clearly a WRITER, that is, is a guy who watches how people act in the real world. As opposed to a hack sheltered Ivy Leaguer who paraphrases other things that have made money. (This one thing is so important to the health of the art form that I will surely weep.)

18. Fanservicey references that I like: Star Wars, in the sound design for the Speeder Bike chase scene. For gamers: Ultimate Alliance fusion attack combo move with Cap and Iron Man. Bruce Banner wandering solo around in the countryside like the guy in the Hulk TV show used to do.

19. "Watchmen" could have been as satisfying as the Avengers if that Zack Snyder guy (who is now directing the ultimate unrelate-able stiff, Superman) knew one thing about human interaction (to be fair, he does know exactly one thing about the human eye's interaction with boobs and muscles). Marvel has done really well employing directors like Favreau and Branagh, who are actorly and interested in the human component of the craft. DC has been fucking up by using film-school types who are mainly interested in atmosphere (Snyder) and pretentious ideas (Nolan). Yeah, the Batman movies were good but they were like the movies we need, not the movies we deserve when we live to die to become the hero to our own legend of our fall from darkness and yadda yadda bridge explodes.

20. Larry Hama, a great comics writer, said at this year's ComicCon (re: G.I. Joe), "the fantasy is that Snake Eyes will come and get you." He was talking about camaraderie, which is the essential comic-book fantasy. It's not really about having unnatural power, which is just an extrapolation of every introvert's unexpressed id problem (dig deep into a nerd and you find that he does, in fact, already believe he has mutant powers, usually that of superior intelligence). The truly seductive fantasy is that you, an ordinary person, matter enough that someone with unnatural power will arrive and intervene in your time of disaster. (They have also built a few religions on this premise, I gather.) This is why we read superhero comics; to imagine that timely teammate, our ideal self projected, a friend who can fly to whereever you are.

What If People Died, a short comedy about love and death.

Here's a short film I made which is completely not a short film, it's actually kind of a longish video, but in the biz there's nothing to call it except "short film." If it was a book it'd be a novella. Originally conceived as a feature, but hella things happened along the way, and this is the version I'm rolling out with. It's the more-or-less final version, give or take some color correction and titles, at a youtube-friendly medium resolution.

It's about a buncha hipsters who die suddenly and then come back to life after three days like it was no big deal. Please enjoy....

WHAT IF PEOPLE DIED, PART 1


WHAT IF PEOPLE DIED, PART 2
What If People Died (Part 2) from dominic mah on Vimeo.

The Justice League Movie, if it were exactly like The Avengers Movie.

In honor of ComicCon 2012, here is an abridged screenplay for the Justice League movie, modeled entirely after The Avengers movie, because that seemed to work very well.

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA
a superhero team screenplay 
by dommah

EXT. DC UNIVERSE
Near Martian rocks, some MARTIANS plot. 


MARTIAN LEADER
We're going to attack Earth.

MARTIAN SOLDIER
Why?

MARTIAN LEADER
Ah, the H'ell of it. Give them something to do.

INT. BATCAVE
AMANDA WALLER recruits BATMAN.


AMANDA WALLER
Come join the team.

BATMAN
I'm sulky and complicated...my father....

AMANDA WALLER
Bitch, can you just get in the jet? I've got like six of these today.

The Avengers: A Brief Film Guide For Non-Nerds, Hipster Cineastes, and (Generally Speaking) Women (AMENDED)


A) I wrote a guide to the Avengers film for the You Offend Me You Offend My Family blog, aimed at viewers unfamiliar with the Avengers. In it, I forgot to mention one very important point of potential confusion.

THESE AVENGERS ARE NOT THE BRITISH AVENGERS FROM THE 60's TV SHOW, AND BLACK WIDOW IS NOT EMMA PEEL.
Uma Thurman as an Avenger and Scarlett Johansson as an Avenger. 

Although one could easily see how they'd get confused.

BRead the rest of the guide here.

C) In theory my guide is a little less sexist than the similar "Girls' Guide" that Moviefone has here. (Also, it's more accurate.) Of course, many girls are Avengers fans. No informed person would claim otherwise. It's just safe to say that it's not most of them.

Diana Rigg as the original Emma Peel from the British spy show, '"The Avengers."
Like Black Widow, she was good at disabling foes with her pincer-like thighs.

Why Actors Are Better (and Better-Off) Than Writers.

Writing is, in case you aren't familiar with it, god-like fun. Whether you are J. K. Rowling or the senior scribe at OctopusXXXFanfic.net, there's a reason people write fiction and screenplays and lyrics and such, and it is not (unless you are the truest form of hack) about money or making the world a better place. The joy of writing I believe comes, ignobly, from two things:

"And THEN he says.... OH YES GOD I'M A GENIUS."
1) You get to put words in other people's mouths.


2) You get to control what happens. 

Okay, maybe that's actually one thing. But the theory goes: the Real World is out of sorts with its potential for beauty, and you, the writer, get to correct it, by making the train leave at the right time, the hero say the best three words in the language, the aliens arrive with the appropriate lights and flourish. Somehow the omnipotent powers to make this happen have been bestowed on anyone who has the ability to type.

If screenwriting or playwriting is your thing, the thrill is even more visceral, because at some point or other, actors are actually going to speak these words out loud, and do their best to pretend to believe them.

Anyway, that's why I prefer writing to acting.  I don't really "get" acting, although I understand it has something to do with applause and mirrors. And of course the acting profession is compromised by its close relation to a hundred things which tend to leech at the soul, that is, lying, self-analysis, obsession with personal appearance, and for the sake of rent-paying, giving all your passion and interest to lines like, "This pudding is the best I ever had!'" and "Take me now, before Daddy comes home."

To my mind, writing is just a better gig, because besides the aforementioned omnipotent powers, you can do it in your underwear without makeup. 

BUT, there is one way in which Actors definitely have it over Writers, and I think it's this: the sheer number of people in the competition to be heard. 

Los Angeles has a sub-population of approximately 54 billion actors vs. roughly 72 billion screenwriters (according to the last census, which allowed for hyphenating of job title). Because anyone who can type, seriously, can be a god with a laptop in their underwear.

And then there's the harsh fact that actors age, and they have to figure out how their real age affects their career, and they will get limited opportunities based on what age they appear to be.  And they have to face and make a hard choice about their greatest love, based on biology.  This is a serious, real-world reckoning of self that writers basically don't have to deal with.

Writers age, and they're still writing. They don't go away. I've met writers in their sixties, with very impressive credits on shows from the 70's, who are today trying to to start their own web series, because they can't shake the bug.

So, based on this unscientific example, I have deduced that every dude who wrote one episode of One Tree Hill, or an 80's slumber party movie that you never heard of, is still kicking around LA, chasing the next gig. (Or, with the advent of youtubes and personal blogs, creating their own gigs.)

Actors, for good and practical reasons, pursue becoming a star. (If you're a writer and have this idea that you are doing it to be a star, you are, again, a true hack, and deluded besides.) Stardom is a good gig because at some point you can make the choice to stop acting, because the stardom fuels itself. (Do we know when was the last movie Angelina Jolie was actually in? Anyone?) Then, in their highly-scrutinized and -subsidized way, these stars-gone-nova are able to go back to living their own life.

So, at the end of the arc for actors, there is this dream of freedom. With writers, it's the dream of power.

Of course, some of these ex-staff-writers and former-aspirers have moved on to real jobs as content aggregators or dishwasher salesmen or whathaveyou, but the ones that still have that (really kind of infantile) desire to speak as Gawd, these writers are everywhere. Their stories are their kids, and they never have had their dream beaten out of them by Time. That dream is still the ultimate fun, and they hold onto it until the day they die.

- inspired by David Mamet's "Bambi Vs. Godzilla," which contains many similar rants

Spider-Man the Musical by Dommah


My version of the Spiderman musical, as directed by Julie Taymor, with music by U2:

SPIDER-MAN: RATTLE & THWIP

SCENE 1
Spider-Man hangs upside-down over a city skyline comprised of gargoyle shadow puppets and people in Noh masks.

SPIDER-MAN: I'm WIIIIIDE AWAAAKE. I'm WIIIIIIDE AWAAAAAKE. I'm not SLEEPING.

Bono enters, wearing a yellow and green jumpsuit. He portrays the Fly, one of Spider-Man's all-time lamest foes.

THE FLY: A man will rise! / A man will fall! / From the sheer face of evil villainry! / Like a fly on the wall!

Spidey and the Fly fight using capoeira. Spidey dispatches the Fly quickly. Harry Osborn / The Hobgoblin enters. Spidey spins a web, ensnaring him. Mary Jane Watson enters in traditional Chinese Opera costume. Both Spidey and Harry moon over her.

HARRY OSBORN: My hands are webbed / My body bruised, she's got me with / Nothing to win, and nothing left to lose....

Gwen Stacy enters, wearing traditional African head-dress.

SPIDER-MAN: I have run / I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls with my amazing ability to cling to vertical surfaces
Theeeeese vertical surfaces / Only to be with you....

Arachne, a mythological reference that has been cutely added to this production, enters:

ARACHNE: What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can sense it somehow with your weird tingly spider-sense power....

JOSEPH CAMPBELL: I know everything! EVERYTHING! It's a beautiful day!

HARRY / HOBGOBLIN: You've got to get yourself together... Nnrgggh....now you got stuck in a giant web created by a mutated human gland and you can't get out of it!

Doc Ock enters.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS: On your knees, boy!

Spider-Man unmasks so as to protect his loved ones. Peter Parker has a reflective moment:

PETER PARKER: So J. Jonah Jameson comes up to me
His face red like a rose on a thorn bush
Like all the colours of a royal flush
And he's peeling off those dollar bills
Slapping them down
One hundred, two hundred!
And I can see those fighter planes....

Aunt May enters and offers him a bowl of tapioca.

PETER PARKER: A spider-boy tries hard to be a spider-man / His aunt takes him by his hand
If he stops to think he starts to cry / Oh why?

AUNT MAY: If you web-swing away, web-swing away, web-swing away, web-swing away.....I will follow!

Peter puts the mask back on so as to escape his pestering loved ones.

SPIDER-MAN: You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Fight evil clones of yourself without raising your voice
You know I took the radiation
From the bite of a radioactive spider
Then I wall-crawled....out of here....

HARRY OSBORN / HOBGOBLIN: THE EDGE!

MARY JANE: I say....I want.... / diamonds on a ring of gold / your origin story to remain untold / a pimped-out black Lexus / and not to be killed by some crazy lizard-looking freak....

SPIDER-MAN: ....when all I want is YOU-HOOOOOO! All I want is YOU-OOOOOH!

The Venom / Black Alien Suit Symbiote Thing enters.

VENOM / SYMBIOTE: One life / But we're not the same / We get to carry each other, carry each other!

Spider-Man fights Venom, and Hobgoblin, and Doctor Octopus, and African poverty. Gwen Stacy paints herself blue and dances around.

VILLAINS: Spider-Man throws me just like a rubber ball / Oh oh oh, the Spider-Man!
He won't catch me or break my fall / Oh oh oh, the Spider-Man!

SPIDER-MAN: One man bombarded by cosmic rays
One man is Iron Fist
One man changed by a Gamma Bomb
One man betrayed with a kiss

BONO: For Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and the Thing....sing!

ALL: In the naaaaame! Of Love! What more! In the name of Love!!!!!

SPIDER-MAN: Definitely could use a mouth-hole for the singing. Note to self: Mouth-hole.

CURTAIN.


orig. post 4/17/07

Casino Super Villains

I wrote a guest piece for the Asian American culture blog "You Offend Me You Offend My Family." Modified and reposted here.


4 Super-Villains Who Really Exist Inside of California Casinos

If you ever need a reality check on human nature and its propensity towards evil, go to a Los Angeles casino.  I mean, in these complicated times there is good and bad in everyone and there are grey areas and moral ambiguities and blah blah blah, but chronic gamblers are just some villainous motherflowers.  It's because their pursuit of money, and constantly losing it, has replaced any human feeling in their hearts with pure black tar.  

(Explanatory side note:  California casinos are specially-regulated dens of gambling which originated as cardrooms for poker and expanded to include the so-called "Asian" games:  modified versions of blackjack, pai gow poker, baccarat.  They tend to be in the verdantly-named cities of Los Angeles like Bell Gardens, Hawaiian Gardens, Gardena.  Never heard of those places?  Maybe because there are no actual gardens there.  There are, however, casinos:  the Bicycle Club, Commerce, Hustler, Normandie, and the eponymous Hawaiian Gardens.  The main differences between Cali casinos and Vegas or Indian casinos is a) you have to pay a service charge for placing a bet, because usually you're not playing against the house, you're playing against the corporation banker [that was my job....more on that later], and b) unlike Vegas, which only has Tons of Asians, Cali casinos have a 24/7 Gigantic Horde of Tons of Asians.)

Since it's very tricky to get actual photos of these major threats to humanity (they tend to shun photos, or destroy the lens with their laser eye-beams, and never mind it's also inside a casino...) I'm drawing from my considerable and arcane knowledge of comics and pop culture to present to you 4 Super-Villains Who Really Exist Inside of California Casinos:

1.  Storm Shadow

I don't really get why all the ninjas in hollywood are played by Korean actors lately, but that's a separate issue.  In the casino, Storm Shadow leads a whole clan of white-clad muscley Korean males who fight for the side of gambling evil, albeit with a kind of ragged honor.  That is, they come in, bet big, get real macho, give you a big headache, lose tens of thousands of dollars, and eventually inebriate themselves into shameful submission.  Of course, Casino Storm Shadow's ivory garb is usually from A&F or Armani Exchange (or reasonable fascimiles thereof), but he does favor the bright white that allows him to blend into the shadows of, uh, nothing.  Fortunately, Casino Storm Shadow does not as a rule come with sword and shuriken accessories, but he may be that guy who still has a chain attached to his wallet, so watch out.  


2.  Cheshire/Cat

Whether it is the original Cheshire Cat or the somewhat obscure DC Teen Titans foe, both have their doppelgangers within the casino.  Casino Cheshire is probably an Asian woman with a radiant lingering smile, a ridiculous booby outfit from Bebe or Juicy Couture or whathaveyou, and catlike reflexes that enable her to snatch up any casino chip that comes within her 15-foot radius, even if it's, like, in your pants.  Her smile is the secret weapon here: Do Not Look At The Smile. If you know what is good for you, Watch Her Hands.  Basically, a superficially awesome-looking femme fatale who exists to give you a headache.  



3.  Fat Karma

Fans of the original New Mutants series (an 80's Marvel classic) may remember the storyline in which Karma (the Vietnamese member of the New Mutants) was somehow possessed by the telepathic crimelord Amahl Farouk, who ate and indulged and sat around thinking evil thoughts until Karma's petite frame ballooned into gigantic Kingpin-esque massiveness.  (I'm serious, that really happened, I told you it was a classic.)  Eventually her teammates rescue Karma's mind, but she is still saddled with the fat evil body, and has to go to Asgard or something to sweat off the pounds.  Then they fight Loki, and...

ANYWAY, this character EXACTLY exists inside California casinos.  That is, an extremely hefty Asian woman who was once a waify young thing and whose mind is that of an evil madman.  5 gets you 10 she is Vietnamese, like Karma.  Also, Karma's mutant power was the telepathic control of other people.  Casino Fat Karma is similarly able to control minds and exert her will over others, through some paranormal combination of feminine wiles, her perceived harmlessness, and sheer force of personality.  It is the only way to explain why certain casino staff supervisors allow Mama/Fat Karma to keep coming into the casino despite the fact that the only things she contributes are a) stealing money, b) battling people, and c) hating the sight of innocent life.  And what more can you ask from a supervillain, really?



4.  The Gambler

There was one specific guy at the casino whom we nicknamed “Kenny Rogers” because of his full head of salt-and-pepper hair and bushy beard, and also 'cause, of course, Kenny Rogers was The Gambler.  The one who knew when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.



But while Kenny Rogers' Gambler character was a mythic hero of song, California Casino Kenny Rogers was the most evil human I have ever known.  Seriously.  Not like someone who'd kill you, but the most obnoxious, mean, loud, petty, rude, lying scheming cheating slimy sack of dickbag that ever lived.  The kind of guy who thinks he owns you, lives off hurting others' feelings, screams at you FOR ANY STUPID REASON WITH NO WARNING WHATSOEVER CONTINUOUSLY FOR AN HOUR, then complains to the supervisor about your behavior, and ten minutes later tries to give you a hug and a too-friendly kiss to apologize, because he was having a diabetic blood-sugar-related issue and didn't mean it.  One time Kenny Rogers verbally harangued  one of my co-workers to the point of the co-worker having heart palpitations and passing out.  He was always going on about his endless supply of money and did in fact seem to have a fortune from doing some Rich Dickbag Activity.  Because he was a high roller, he was allowed to behave like this, and liked to lord it over the underlings and casino staff, e.g. harassing all the women and ordering all the men to get stuff for him.  One of his favorite games was to pick on a rotating dealer (or prop player) and follow them from table to table, ordering them to leave.  His typical routine would be something like this;

“You again...?  You kill me last time.  I never bet with you.  Never in my life.”
(Bets. Loses.)
“Get up, go.  You're done.  Go. “
(Bets more.)
“WHY WON'T YOU GO?  SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO!!!  WHY YOU KILL ME EVERY TIME!  I'M A NICE PERSON.  I NEVER TALK BAD TO ANYBODY.  GO. LEAVE.”
(At this point the harassed employee might make some mention of the fact that they have no option to leave, but would very much like to....which everyone knows.)
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?  CALL YOUR SUPERVISOR!  CALL HIM RIGHT NOW!  CALL YOUR SUPERVISOR.  YOU LOSE YOUR JOB.  DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?  NEVER IN MY LIFE.  GOOOOOOO!!!!  WHY DON'T YOU GO!!!!!  KISS MY ASS.  I SEE YOU IN THE PARKING LOT!”    
(Starts throwing things.)
(Then waits for dealer to rotate to another table, follows them to that table, repeat.)

NOTE:  “See you in the parking lot.” = casino expression meaning, “I'll find you later in the area with no camera surveillance so I can steal your money and maybe beat you to death.”

I mean, it was just nonsense.  He was a true villain, that Kenny Rogers, and although no hero myself, in my limited capacity as prop player in a shady East LA casino, I swore to stop him, and thwart his evil games once and for all.  No matter the cost.  

10 really great movies

Since I spend so much of my time on this blog, and indeed my waking life, talking about crap films, I figured I should write a few words on movies that I really like. Because not everything is horrible....just most things. I'm leaving out the guilty-pleasure favorite movies like St. Elmo's Fire and Return of the Jedi in favor of ones that I think have some real craft and soul in them.

Lost in Translation (an Academy Award-winning film by me)

INT. JAPAN - NIGHT

Bob and Charlotte sit in a bar.

Charlotte: I hate pants.

Bob: People talk funny here.

Charlotte: I wonder if one day I'll have a job?

Bob: Jobs are for sluts. You're special.

Charlotte: I don't know. I don't know.

Bob: I miss root beers.

Charlotte: You're having a midlife crisis. I know all about midlife crises. Did you buy a Porsche yet?

Bob: I wish I could tell you how beautiful you look surrounded by all these similar-looking people. But I'm not going to.

Charlotte: Everyone I know has a Porsche. It's such a cliche.

Bob: I'm going to become Japanese. I'm going to get a Japanese Porsche.

Charlotte: I guess Japan is kind of like America, but different.

FADE TO BLACK.

adaptation

So the day after I mused about getting stuck with the Harlequin-romance-novel era of movie adaptations, it comes out that they just gave all 150,000 books in the Sweet Valley High series to Diablo Cody. Ha.

I remember the Sweet Valley High books. I wouldn't feel one twinge of anything if they were made into movies. I know a few girls who might.

ALL the American Anime Adaptions are going to fail HUGE. Probably financially, absolutely artistically and conceptually. Only the Japanese should be live-actioning their own anime. "Akira" isn't even a good movie for chrissake, it just looks so cool because it's drawn cool, ya know?

The only one that has a chance is Robotech, because its story has been fine-tuned into the Western soap opera milieu, and still only if they do a few things exactly right, like Max & Miriya, Yellow Dancer, songs by Kelly Clarkson, and making it a two-parter skipping the Southern Cross.

...Don't get me wrong, it would be great to work on....almost any adaptation project...but getting put on "Connect Four" or "Care Bears: The Movie" would be basically like getting the Beta fighter, pictured here. It's great because it's an amazing space fighter that transforms and has like 188 missiles and you can blow things up with it....but it's not the cool jet-looking one that has sleek lines and transforms into the sexy-looking battloid that, let's face it, has even more missiles and takes the point against shock troopers. The Beta fighter is not that thing; it's useful but kind of lumpy.

news


I haven't posted for a while because I have literally been on another planet where they have a different version of the internet, but I wanted to throw this up because it's the first time I've ever been involved in a photograph next to a giant-sized check. (It is an award for a screenplay I'm co-adapting based on my play.)

the best line in "The Sting"....

"You know me. I'm the same as you. It's two in the morning and I don't know nobody."

I'm totally going to say that, at least once, when I'm at the Sundance Lab. I don't care what else happens.

great acting

The main character in "In Between Days," this very indie Korean-American movie, does the most wonderful performance of being stoned that I've ever seen. She just shuts up and her eyes dart left and right and she looks completely out of her gourd.

Lars & The Real Girl

Sometimes it is awesome to see a movie from the front row of the theater. On Friday night I went with a friend to see "Lars & The Real Girl" in Pasadena. Due to my parking ineptitude, we got there late and ended up in the last two adjoining seats, in the front row of a small packed house.

The only two movies I'd seen previously from this position were the first "Mission: Impossible" and "He Got Game." both of them fairly cutty, stylized and loud. At close range, the audiovisual effect was headache-inducing. I think MTV was invented for its venue, that is, the TV, and experiencing that style on a screen that is very much larger than you and very near your head is probably not healthful.

But seeing "Lars" down in the front was fantastic. There was something about seeing these HUGE heads enact these very small sad/funny moments that was really compelling. There is no flashy editing, and there are enough long takes to let the eye wander around on that vast plain of screen, and explore, and get lost. It probably is my new favorite movie anyways, because it's wonderfully written, acted, filmed, and all that stuff, but I suspect that on a smaller screen, at a safe distance, it would be less whelming, more easily confused with all the other bittersweet indie movies. But because it was way too close, its intimate ordinariness was really uplifting, it was like a rock concert of ordinariness: long pauses, pores and all.

frakkin' A.

I don't know if this is an appropriate thing to talk about on Memorial Day, but I love Battlestar Galactica. I haven't watched hardly any of Season 3, either. I was just watching Season 2 on DVD today, and rediscovering how great it is.

I love the allegories for everything. I love the tough-guy dialogues. ("Go go go!") I love Mary McDonnell as the sick stoned prophet president. I love that people are always dying and coming back to life. I love the zero-g Viper maneuvers in space. I love that Starbuck looks and acts kind of like the line producer on my movie. I love the battle between monotheism and polytheism. I love the political references to everything from Jack Ruby to the War on Terror. I love Grace Park for excelling in the most ridiculously complicated actor role ever written. (She's a human. She's an alien. She's in love. She's a spy. She's a prisoner of war. She's in a love triangle. She has Ethernet ports in her arm. She's happy, she's sad, she gets killed, and reincarnated, and pregnant, and gives birth to a messiah? And you thought you had issues?) I love it for exploring a militaristic culture without jingoistically championing it. I love that Baltar is basically motivated by sex. I love that they used the original "Battlestar" theme in the episode with the reality show made by Xena. I love how everyone's hair remains perfect. And, all pretensions aside, I love Big Things in Space Blowing Up.

Also, I readily admit to loving how much some people do not love it. But AFAIK it is the only good show on TV.

"No, Spider-Man, no!"

There might be something very wrong with me, because I kind of liked that "Spider-Man 3" flick. Critical opinion, both mainstream press and fanboy, seems to say that it sucks. There's no reason for it NOT to suck. It certainly gives off that sucky ambiance from the ad campaign. And yet, those same legit critics and fanboys mainly agreed that the first two movies ranged between "okay" and "pretty good," while I would not. Those first two movies BLEW, IMHO, ANITGW (And Not In That Good Way). So of course, with null expectation, I sorta like this one that everyone else has been complaining about.

Why Spider-Man 3 Was Sort Of Good
--a treatise of utter importance by me--

* There was more acting. It did resemble a Korean soap opera at times, but I like Korean soap operas. The first two flicks skated by on cute looks and a sort of vague hopefulness by the three main actors. In this one, we see Peter and Harry literally fighting over Mary Jane, and betraying each other, and feeling the impact of that, and that stuff, in Ye Olde Acting School, is GOOD. Mary Jane did NOTHING in the first two movies, I'm not sure if anyone noticed that. She had an ostensible action to play in the 2nd movie (finding out if Peter really wants her) but she walked through it like she was going shopping. In "3", she gets punked, she gets dissed, she has diva fits, she cries, she seduces, she even throws a brick at somebody. She was actually fun to watch, as opposed to just cutely dressed.

* The fight scenes were better. Although they were not as meticulously-animated, they were better-composed. The NewGoblin/Spidey chase through that narrow alleyway was exactly the kind of fight Spider-Man should be having. In the last fight with Venom, Spider-Man won with speed and ingenuity, which is, hello, How Spider-Man Wins Fights (as opposed to with brute force and mawkish displays of humanity). True, the fights with Dock Ock in "2" were more elegant, but I could never get over the problem that the superhumanly-strong Spidey couldn't beat Ock by simply punching him in the face one or twelve times. And don't get me started on those Spidey/Original Goblin bouts. Embarrassing.
....Also, there was a giant sand monster in this last fight. 'Nuff said.

* The dialogue, while not good, was not HORRIBLE. Let's recap, shall we, some of the gems from "1" and "2":

Goblin: You never know when some maniac is going to come along with a sadistic choice! (No one, no matter how evil, ever says this.)

Aunt May: People love heroes. Blah blah blah. They cheer for them. Etc etc. Heroes (n. pl.) are people who save people who, ad nauseum. (This has to be one of the worst speeches ever.)

MJ: You can't get off if you never got on! (What?)

"3" was at least lacking in cringing moments. There were even a few cute lines, like Spidey's "Where do all these guys come from...?" which at least hinted at the snappy wit that is Spider-Man's most endearing trait, and yet has been notably lacking from this whole movie adaptation business.

* Gwen Stacy was great. I'm not a big fan of the Director's Daughter Is Famous Now syndrome, but I'll concede that, within her limited role, Bryce Howard nailed it. Intriguing but not TOO intriguing. Beautiful but not SO beautiful. Exactly the kind of normal but dreamy girl that would end up in Peter Parker's life.

* It had one part that choked me up. Backstory: my thrills from the first two flicks derived almost entirely from the trailers. The inferences and the teasing shots of Spider-Man coming to save the day. Because, for pho's sake, all I really want out of a superhero movie, No Matter How Bad It Is, is to get choked up once. For one moment to be swept up in the fantasy of an alternate world where someone shows up to do something when the 9/11s and the Columbines of the real world happen (or even before they happen).
....This never happened in the first two flicks. Due to some clumsy handling of the stakes, the dialogue, and those pesky plot mechanics, it never seemed Important that Spider-Man showed up. It was Pretty, watching him swing in, but not Affecting. Maybe 'cause the Green Goblin was just not scary, and no one believed that crazy contraption of Ock's was going to work anyway.
....BUT, at the climax of "3", MJ's clearly in big trouble, the citizenry is afraid, and the bad guys hold extremely high ground. And then, there's about 10 seconds where, despite long odds, Spider-Man comes swinging in with no intention other than Handling It. Pretty dope. If it hadn't been for that tweaky faux-Brit reporter talking through the whole thing, it might even have been moving.

...That was a kind of long rant, and I guess someday I should devote equivalent time to some Subject That Really Matters, but whatever, I'm a geek. I just hope the next one has The Scorpion in it.