12.14.2004

Ocean's 12 (a hip sequel by me)

EXT. EUROPE IN ALL ITS GLORY - DAY

Twelve movie stars sit around, acting.

ANDY GARCIA: I want my money back, so I can have more money for you to steal in the third movie.

CASEY AFFLECK: So we each have to pay you back 17 million dollars? Dude, I only have like 5 million dollars.

ELIOT GOULD: I have millions of millions of dollars. How many millions do you need to finance the job?

BRAD PITT: We only need 3 million dollars worth of clothes, hotel suites, computers, and massive underground construction arrays to steal the thing that's worth 2.5 million dollars.

MATT DAMON: Man, these are totally problems I could deeply relate to back when I had like, no millions of dollars.

GEORGE CLOONEY: I remember when I had no millions of dollars. But I was still dead sexy!

BERNIE MAC: What, exactly is my role in the stealing of these white-ass objects of Eurocentric antiquity from all these white-ass institutions so as to save everybody's white asses?

DON CHEADLE: In Europe, culture supercedes race. So instead of the Black guy with no plot function, I can be the British guy with no plot function.

THE CHINESE GUY: Wo men "people of color" zou ba.

The Chinese Guy stuffs his head into his own crotch. All the male leads help correct his technique. Bernie Mac chills in jail.

STEVEN SODERBERGH: I took a shot of a plane flying sideways! Yippee!

BRUCE WILLIS: (to dommah) If you bloggers are so smart, how come we already got your $10.50? How come the dead people movie did $600 million worldwide? I guess we're a little bit smarter than you non-millionaires after all, aren't we?

JULIA ROBERTS: Hey! I have a demand for how to end the movie. Let's play some poker!

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: Yeah! I hear it's all the rage with the kids. I mean, the idiots.

Pause. The Chinese Guy swallows his own pelvis.

BRAD PITT: Yup.

THE END.

2 comments:

Kristen said...

I don't know what any of this means, but it made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Funny. Sadly, capturing the spirit of the movie.