5 Language Fails Proving That The Backstreet Boys Could Not Speak Goddamn English

I was going to write about something happy and affectionate today, like a girl on a pegasus with a muffin or something. Instead I have this:

1. SHAPE OF MY HEART

At one point in the song, AJ sings: "Sadness is beautiful. Loneliness is tragical."

Tragical is a nice idea for an English word, but it is not an English word.

"Tragic" is what English speakers say, for example, when they refer to the Backstreet Boys' fluency with English.

Maybe their powers of vocabulary were distracted by the blonde gal in the video, who apparently is about to go down on Nick under the table. But more likely it's just that the Backstreet Boys could not speak English to save their goddamn lives.



2. MEN STRIKES BACK

At 3:50, Kevin says: "Welcome to VH-1's Men Strikes Back concert."

It's not super-hard to match the subject and verb here. Men STRIKE, Man STRIKES. Men do not strikes. I think possibly Kevin was born in a foreign land.



This concert was also notable for BSB's duet (uh, sextet?) with Sting, doing "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Yes that is a really awesome idea.



3. DOES HIS GIFTS COME FROM THE HEART? DOES HIS FRIENDS GET ALL YOUR TIME?

Strangely, "DO his gifts come from the heart" would also fit the meter, and also be correct English.



We get it, guys. You are so backstreet that you even speak English all street-like. Your love is all you have to give. You certainly cannot give lessons in English.

4. AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A MISTAKE, I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY, I WANT IT THAT WAY

Let's try to parse this chorus. Whoops, it's impossible. WHAT is nothing but a heartache? The relationship? You? Okay. There is a phrase you never want to hear me say? Or the state of non-speaking of the phrase is the "way" you want it? What is it you never wanna hear me say? You never wanna hear me say that I want it that way? But you just told me to believe when you say "I want it that way," and so I do believe you want it that way, but that brings us back to this whatever you supposedly never want to hear me say. Huh? SPEAK FRIKKIN' ENGLISH, for the love of God.

Again, from VH-1's Mens Strikes Backs.



5. SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY

Duh. They're asking because they really don't know what is the meaning of the word "lonely." Because the Backstreet Boys don't know how to speak goddamn English.

Also, remember when this was the most popular video in the universe? There are kids out there right now probably still learning English from those Backstreet Chumps. And that is truly tragical.

X-MEN 3 (An upcoming crappy sequel by me)

EXT. X-SCHOOL - DAY

The X-Men sit around waiting for Dark Phoenix to arrive.

WOLVERINE: I'm the best there is at what I do, but I....I....I've forgotten my lines.

The director keeps filming regardless, hoping for a bit of Chris Tucker-esque divinely inspired improvised screeching.

CYCLOPS: We have lines? I was acting with my eyes.

The director finds an angle on Cyclops that makes him look most like Tom Cruise.

FRASIERBEAST: It was my understanding that the only important thing was to get $10 out of the sucker fan base.

The director, distracted by the sight of a passing Asian woman, lets this alarmingly candid insight stay in the film.

ROGUE: Don't y'all forgit DVD sales! I garun-damn-tee ya there'll be lines on the DVD extras!

The director indicates his faithfulness to the fans by having Rogue speak with a ridiculous accent.

CYCLOPS: Man, Jean's just so, y'know, dead. Life is a bummer. Let's go fight Magneto.

The X-Men travel somewhere. The director indicates this by having a shot of a plane moving left to right across the screen.

EXT. MAGNETO'S ISLAND LAIR - NIGHT

Professor X and Magneto debate future of Mutantkind.

PROFESSOR X: Say what you want, all the mutant movies have made money.

MAGNETO: They are obviously mediocre.

PROFESSOR X: MIddle America wants to see mutants. They want mutant cheerleaders, mutant funny dwarves, mutant retarded whores with hearts of gold....

MAGNETO: Have you tinkered with their minds, Charles? Made them believe that they want films made by talent agents and focus groups?

PROFESSOR X: MADE MONEY! MADE MONEY! HELL-OOOO....

Magneto staples the Professor's mouth closed.

EXT. THE SURFACE OF THE SUN - (NIGHT?)

Onslaught and Dark Phoenix sit atop Asteroid M, getting stoned.

DARK PHOENIX: Heeeyyy...I can move this rock....with my mind....!

ONSLAUGHT: Dood, this has been a TERRIBLE year for the U.S. box office.

DARK PHOENIX: I read that. Like, 60,000 times. With my mind.

ONSLAUGHT: Do you think that just because Hollywood has the best PR and publicists in the world, it's right that they should make headlines about how their crappy movies aren't making enough money as if it is some sort of national tragedy?

DARK PHOENIX (weeping uncontrollably): It's so sad....first the genocide in Darfur, then "Kingdom of Heaven" underperforms...WHAT NEXT?!

ONSLAUGHT: I think I'll destroy the world.

DARK PHOENIX: With my MIND.

Onslaught and Dark Phoenix attack, killing all the X-Men. Comic book fans know, however, that this is a good thing.

FADE OUT.