6.26.2004

The Last Piece of Sushi (a film by Bernardo Bertolucci with Tom Cruise)

EXT. ASIA

Three pieces of sushi sit beneath the falling cherry blossoms.

KAPPAMAKI: The old ways are dying.

FUTOMAKI: The old rolls are dying.

TOM CRUISE ROLL (AN ORPHANED TIGER SHRIMP DESPERATELY TRYING TO SURPASS THE LEGACY OF HIS LEGENDARY FATHER SHRIMP, AVOCADO, AND CREAM CHEESE): Westerners are so stupid.

KAPPAMAKI: I have dreamed of a modern Japan. With a powerful sex industry, and DVD players that are better than anyone else's DVD players. Now we have Dragon Rolls, Chicago Rolls, Bacon-Wrapped Low-Carb Alfalfa Rolls. But we must never forget....who we are.

FUTOMAKI: Who are we?
(impales self in stomach)

TOM CRUISE ROLL: You are a beautiful people. SAKE! SAKE! SAKE!

TAMAGO (BEAUTIFUL EGG NIGIRI IN FEMININE SEAWEED WRAP, WITH CREAM CHEESE): Dozo, Tom Cruise-san.

TOM CRUISE ROLL: I am...sorry for colonizing your beautiful country.

TAMAGO: Bite me.

TOM CRUISE ROLL: I'm not that sorry.

FUTOMAKI: The tempura! It is...perfect.
(starts to croak)

KAPPAMAKI: Let us die!
(impales self on sword, dies)

TAMAGO: For a dream that was Japan!
(impales self on sword, dies)

TOM CRUISE ROLL: Me too!
(impales self on swollen male member)

FUTOMAKI: And a child shall lead us.
(dies)

TOM CRUISE ROLL: Haha I was just kidding. I'm still alive.

FADE TO BLACK.

3 comments:

Kristen said...

You are phenomenally silly.

Karen said...

While my google search did not yield the expected Dozo sushi menu, at least I got to enjoy your delightfully wacky script.

dm said...

are you some karen i know? or some karen i do not know? in any case, what is dozo sushi? charmed, i'm sure.