EXT. LOVELY CALIFORNIAN WINO HANGOUT
Two dudes sit around getting sloshed, in a remarkable portrait of middle-aged sensitivity and angst. Nearby, a filmmaker eats from a cheese plate.
MILES: Glug, glug. Not drinking any fucking Merlot.
JACK: Balls! Buddy, you're like my penis. I don't know how to say it exactly, but you evoke my dick.
MILES: Why won't she call? I'm so money, baby. I'm going to pour grape juice all over myself.
Miles does this. Jack whips it out. A film critic laps grape juice off of Miles' toes.
FILM CRITIC: Amazing! Hilarious! How do you feel about accusations of elitist yuppieism leveled against your film?
JACK: If you want to see a movie about people with no fucking phone, go rent "Raising Fucking Victor Vargas."
MILES: I know grapes. Actually, I know about grapes which serve as a metaphor for me. I learned how to make metaphors for my suffering in Dramatic Writing 101. That's what separates this film from standard Hollywood fare like "Cold Mountain" or "Swingers."
JACK: Plus the fact that I'm not just an actor, but a washed-up actor.
FILM CRITIC: Genius!
Two female fantasy figures approach, also sloshed.
STEPHANIE: I need to be spanked!
FILM CRITIC: That's the best line of dialogue ever written!
MAYA: Miles. Miles Miles Miles Miles Miles. Miles Miles Miles, Miles Miles. Release me, Miles.
MILES: I Hate It When People Pay Attention To Me. STILL not drinking any fucking Merlot.
JACK: Hey look. Some interesting fat people.
STEPHANIE: But YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!
FILM CRITIC: That's the truest sentiment a filmmaker has ever captured in an original vision such as this one! I was sort of afraid to say anything about the abortion movie and the one that dealt with teenage sexuality, but this is a yarn that I can unabashedly hail as ....****....exhilarating....a delight! Much more penetrating than "Cats."
JACK: I once penetrated a cat.
MILES: I sure hope someone notices that I'm the best actor ever.
MAYA: Don't give up, Miles. Keep at it. Stay the course. Someday you'll have a track record, and then no one will care what you do next. Least of all me.
MILES: You're so non-judgemental, aligned with my interests, available and photogenic! Your physical beauty must be a sign that I can be redeemed. Going to run away now.
Miles runs away. Stephanie clobbers Jack with a bowling ball.
MAYA: Who wants a beer?
2 comments:
I really felt like I was the only one in the world who DESPISED this movie with a white hot vengeance.
i think i despised it so much i couldn't make a very funny parody. but we are not alone.
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