where are you going can i come too?

I don't know why, but i have this big abandonment complex. Particularly with people I like. And, to be sure, I don't like that many people. But I'm wondering now if that misanthropic tendency is due to my fear that people I like will leave me behind. If that were the case, it would be safer to not like anyone who is not physically chained to me. But it's not really the case. My family's never left me in the lurch. I can't point to a major case of actually being abandoned. It's just this thing that I worry about.
....I don't have many close male friends now. In high school and college, I had a very close-knit group of guy friends. Then, as life proceeded, dudes moved to different cities/countries, dudes got married, dudes fell off the map. Seems to be a normal part of adulthood, slightly amplified by the forces of globalization (it is possible to travel anywhere!) and technological insularity (it is possible to focus only on myself and not need any other human beings!).
...But I believe the seeds of my desertion problem root back to this guy clique, when, in the course of natural hormonal activity, the dude group occasionally splintered so that members of the group could Go Make Out With Girls. This is something I've never been good at, but my dude friends were pretty good at it. So, while they pursued various chicks with varying degrees of success, I took to biding my time, writing bitter poems, talking up the other wallflowers, feeling left out.
...The other thing is, based on one embarassing experience, I have this fear that people I like will come to believe that I'm stalking them, and then not want to be my friend no more. Or have anything to do with me. For the good of our relationship.
...Again, it's not like this has happened enough times that it is rational fear. It's just me being a wuss at the potential of estrangement, or, as the song goes, once bitten twice shy.
....Also, I have this weird thing with time lately. It's not that I'm scared of dying, or being 40, or whatever. It just makes me anxious that I have no idea who I'm going to know when I'm 64, as the other song goes.
...Of course, No One Knows That. Which is why the conventional wisdom says that more enlightened people Live In The Moment. But not me. I'm worried about the moment that the person I'm talking to has to excuse themself and go home to feed the dog. I'm worried that the person who's making me laugh right now will later have to go find where they parked their car. I'm worried that the person I'm sharing a meal with will eventually finish the meal.
....I'm worried, basically, that I will never again be anyone's job, obligation, or end-of-the-day destination.

Comments