Life lost a customer forever yesterday when it failed to provide oxygen to Alex Darren upon request. Darren, known for his uber-popular Yelp reviews of over 107 local pubs, gastropubs, food trucks, and “dives,” was 27. Y.O.L.O.
He had over 260K followers on the popular review site, with over 7 million confirmed stars rating his reviews. Yelp users found him extremely helpful. One of his most popular reviews of Izakaya Ba-Ka in Menlo Park, titled What kind of a Japanese place doesn’t have Teriyaki?, is excerpted below:
Fuck this place. The service was TERRIBLE. And they overcharge for all these little plates of food. I wanted to get a regular teriyaki burger with organic greens, they seemed to not know what I was talking about. Then I asked if they had gluten-free items on their menu, but it was like they’d never heard of the word, “gluten.” The sake came to my table COLD. The owner doesn’t even speak English. Plus, it was dirty. I’d rather tear my own eyeballs out than ever go to that joint again. See ya, I’ll take my business to a reliable Japanese dive, like Sushi Boat.
Grief-stricken baes could not confirm whether Darren did, in fact, prefer to tear his own eyeballs out the next time “eats” at the izakaya was suggested. (Ed.- Or eats "were" suggested....we're not sure.) At the time of his death, his eyeballs appeared intact. Darren’s mashup of hyperbole and ignorance was a well-known feature of his work, and his followers eagerly doted on the signature “I’d rather….than ever go to that [place] again” signoff line in his reviews, which often took some variation of tearing his own eyeballs out, smashing himself in the head with a claw hammer, or “sitting through an entire Selene [sic] Dion concert, while underwater.”
Indeed, despite the regular hyperbolic threats to do violence to himself rather than ever patronize a certain non-Sushi-Boat establishment ever again, Darren apparently died of natural causes, simply because Life is a terrible terrible place and you should save your time and money and never ever go there.
Ever a force for change, Darren’s Yelp reviews are singularly attributed with these accomplishments, among many:
- Adding Fernet Blanca to the liquor selection at Nix Lounge, which is in the East Bay somewhere
- Requiring that an avocado quinoa burger be added to the menu at Beef Burger Bonanza, so that future customers may feel safe in their decision to “do” an avocado quinoa burger
- Ensuring that customers were no longer charged extra for the life-hack option at Tito's Burritos, which allows you to get like 30% more meat in there for free, yo
- Columbusing, or rather, discovering Shandong beef rolls, a.k.a. “It’s like a Chinese burrito, with something sweet on it” at this otherwise-dumpy little dive called Noodle House 818
- Fat-shaming the server at Nelly’s Diner into attempting a paleo diet so that she might get better tips
Ironically, don’t cha think, Darren was in the midst of writing yet another review when he passed out unexpectedly over his Ipad with Bluetooth keyboard, never to regain consicousness. The last words he wrote were, aptly, for a Yelp review of Life, which has already garnered only fair-to-middling reviews by the Yelper community. Darren’s unfinished review, reprinted here because who GAF, included these words:
"In short, Life sucks. Will never come back."